


Baleful Excruciation

by DrownedOutStars



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Vampire, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Ben Solo Has Issues, Ben Solo has the Big Sad™ but he hides it behind sarcasm and genuine rudeness, Ben Solo is a Mess, Bickering, Blood Drinking, Blood Kink, Blood and Gore, Blood and Injury, Blood and Violence, Choking, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Doctor Ben Solo, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Human Ben Solo, Human/Vampire Relationship, I hope ya'll like sarcastic humor because that's just Ben Solo in this fic, Masochism, Modern AU, Oral Sex, Painplay, Past Abuse, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Past Drug Addiction, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Suicidal Thoughts, Rey (Star Wars) Has Issues, Rey isn't exactly all there in the head, Rough Kissing, Rough Sex, Sadism, Snoke is an actual bastard, So much emotional pain, Telepathic Bond, Telepathy, There aren't enough doctor vampire AUs out there, This fic is genuinely going to be so fucked up and im so sorry, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex, Vampire Bites, Vampire Rey (Star Wars), Vampires, Violent Sex, Violent Thoughts, this fic will have a happy ending though
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-12
Updated: 2020-05-18
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:34:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 32,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23608420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DrownedOutStars/pseuds/DrownedOutStars
Summary: Baleful: deadly or pernicious in influenceExcruciation: to inflict intense painBen Solo was just your average doctor working at your average hospital, his life slowly dragging on and on with nothing to be excited about. That was, until her, and now he's found himself thrown into a world much darker than he could ever imagine.
Relationships: Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo
Comments: 22
Kudos: 29





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> You know...I keep starting fanfics without even meaning to by writing them down in my notes and then getting _way_ too immersed in them.  
> And it also appears that I can only write vampire AUs, so here is this absolute mess that I've come to adore.  
> (Also, I'm so sorry this chapter is short, but it was literally just an idea in my notes that I grew too attached to-) (also, there will be more chapters!!!)

When they had brought her into the emergency room, she already looked dead.

Her complexion was deadly white, her lips blue and all of her veins clearly vibrantly visible underneath her skin. They had reminded him of blue and purple winding rivers up her arm and neck; dangerous colored waters silently roaring to be quenched.

They had done all needed procedures, and now she was in a hospital bed with a blood bag attached to an IV in her forearm as well as an IV bag.

"She looked like a real nightmare, huh?" Rose interrupted his thoughts as he stood in front of the front desk, Ben looking up from his clipboard with wide eyes.

"The--the girl we brought in a couple hours ago," Rose laughed nervously and Ben blinked before saying, "Ah.", and tapping his pen against the clipboard once. "She looked like a real nightmare, huh? That bite on her neck was _horrendous_...it looked like a snake bite, didn't it?"

"That's why we gave her a two millimeter infusion of ASV and an IV drip." His voice was monotone as he looked back down at the clipboard. It was her file, he just couldn't stop looking at it. It was so incredibly strange, made positively no sense at all, and, in the same of medical science, he wanted to figure it out. It _had_ to be a snake bite, there's no way it wasn't, but snake bites never looked like _that_.

"Geez, you're so fun to talk to, Doctor Solo," Rose muttered before walking off, Ben sighing in annoyance as she did so. He had always found Rose Tico incredibly aggravating, the nurse much too chatty for his taste, and he always internally snarled when she struck up a conversation with him.

"Always the fucking pleasure, Tico." He murmured down at the clipboard, lifting up the first page to look down at the second.

She was a Jane Doe, having had no identification on her whatsoever, and that only made the case even _more_ bizarre. "Brown hair, hazel eyes, caucasian, most likely in her early twenties...she's pretty basic, but her case certainly isn't." He muttered as he brought the clipboard closer to his face. Who was this young adult female, and why was she brought in practically dead with a snake bite on her neck? How did she even get bitten by a snake on her neck in the first place? 

"Please tell me she's not one of those nut jobs that collects exotic snakes as a hobby and actually has no idea how to properly care for them," He sighed loudly as he put the clipboard down on the desk, rubbing his temples as he closed his eyes. "Because I will actually report her to The Humane Society if she doesn't die from her own stupidity." 

And that's when he heard the crash coming from her room down the hall, his eyes snapping open as his head whipped towards the sound. _What the hell...?_ He quickly rushed to her room, throwing the door open and running to her bed to see-- _Oh sweet mother of God almighty up above in Heaven_.

She was hunched over on the bed, like some sort of gremlin, in a sitting position as she hungrily devoured the blood bag. She had ripped the blood bag away from the IV pole (the IV drip also ripped from her arm and dangling loosely off the bed), her eyes closed as mewls of satisfaction emitted from deep within her throat as she drank loudly.

The slurping noise was _obscene_ , to be put bluntly. 

"...Excuse me?" His voice cracked. He didn't mean for his voice to crack, but it did, and he purely blamed it on the sheer horrifying nature of the scene laid out before his very eyes.

Her eyes snapped open and she dropped the blood bag on the bed, the crimson liquid splattering on her hospital gown as she did so and soaking that one particular spot on the bed. Well, that's going to be quite the mess to clean, isn't it?

They just stared at each other for what seemed like an eternity, his chest heaving slightly as he constantly looked back and forth between her and the half empty blood bag on the bed.

"I-I am--" Her voice was hoarse and gravelly, like she had just eaten an entire handful of sand. "I am so sorry--"

Her British accent took him by surprise, Ben blinking in shock before clearing his throat. "I really don't think it should be me you're apologizing to," He gestured to the blood bag as he looked down at it once more. "I think you owe an apology to the cleanup crew who have to wash the blood stains out of that blanket now."

"...Fuck," She choked out as she continued to stare at him, his eyes flicking back up to hers. She looked--well, she looked _somewhat_ better, is the correct way to describe it. Some color had returned to her skin, her veins not sticking out as much, and her lips weren't _as_ blue as they were before. She suddenly gagged loudly, keeling over as she grabbed her stomach.

 _Oh, no, she's going to vomit. What the hell did she expect from drinking blood?! Is there some sort of drug in her system we couldn't detect?_ "Hang on, hang on--"

"What the _fuck_ did you give me?!" She snapped loudly and he ignored her as he grabbed the small plastic trash can next to the hospital bed, placing it in front of her and stepping back. She quickly grabbed the sides of it, instantly puking into the trash bag, and she let out an irritated shout as she did so.

"I-I said--fuck me, it _hurts_ \--what did you give me?!"

"A two millimeter dosage of ASV--"

"AS-- _anti snake venom_?!" She shouted into the trash can, Ben clicking his tongue as he got ready to press the button for a nurse, his finger hovering over it. "You fucking moron, this isn't a snake bite!"

"It's not?" His finger paused as he looked over at her. "You don't collect exotic snakes as a cruel hobby? And it's cruel because you don't know how to take care of them?"

"No," She growled loudly into the trash can before vomiting again, Ben arching a brow at her with genuine curiosity in his eyes. "What bit me...you wouldn't know what it was--you wouldn't even know what _I_ am, have been for at least a century now, but that's besides the point."

 _...Yes, there has to be some sort of drug in her system we didn't detect. Some sort of hallucinogenic drug of the sorts._

"Oh, sure, yeah," Ben drawled sarcastically and she snapped her head towards him with the most murderous look in her eyes he had ever seen on a person. "No, I'm being so serious."

"You're a quack of a doctor," She hissed and he swore he saw fangs in her--hold up, hold up. Hold the fuck up. _Fangs_? "You know that? Do you normally mock your patients when they're puking their guts out?"

"Only the ones who are clearly on some new age drug and think they can drink blood like some animal and tell me that they're over a century," He gave her an irked expression and she hissed at him again, her body trembling with pure rage. "I'm actually one of the best doctors in this hospital--"

"Oh? You look pretty young for a doctor, you can't be more than thirty. Does your daddy work here, did he get you the job? You look like the rich boy type, I bet your daddy dearest gets you everything you want, huh?"

Oh, _fuck_ this snake harming bitch. "No, I went to medical school and worked my ass off for ten years straight, thank you very much." _And my dad died of cancer five years ago, you absolute cunt of a woman._

"Your dad is dead?" She whispered as her expression softened and he completely froze, his eyes wide in disbelief as he stared at her. "I'm sorry, I didn't--shite, I'm such a cunt, you're right--"

"I didn't say out loud that my dad was dead," He spoke breathlessly and she suddenly tensed up before wiping her mouth with the back of her hand and getting out of bed. "Hey--hey, no, what are you--"

"I'm leaving, I don't need to be here. I need to get back to Finn anyways, I'm sure he's freaking out that he can't find me," He quickly looked away as she took off her hospital gown, his cheeks turning slightly red as she stood in front of him. "He's going to be so upset that I got bit by a rabid."

A rabid? What the fuck was a rabid? "Please put that back on and get back in--"

"Your coat,"

" _What_?"

"Your fancy shmancy doctor coat that's been obsessively bleached white, hand it over." She held her hand out and he briefly glanced at her before looking back away. Yes, she was most definitely naked. This broke almost every single protocol and he was _not_ getting fired because of her. "Come on, come on, hand it over, bucko."

"Buck-- _bucko_? Look, lady, you need to get back in bed--"

"Your. Coat." She growled loudly and he cursed loudly as he quickly took his stethoscope off and badge before handing her the coat (more like shoved at her). "Thank you." She sighed as she put it on, Ben looking back at her only to see she was across the room opening up a window.

"Hey, what the actual fuck--"

"Toodles, Doctor." She grinned as she gave him a two fingered salute.

And then she jumped.

"HEY!" He screamed as he ran over, leaning out the window to see the worst--but she wasn't on the ground. She wasn't... _anywhere_. She was just gone.

"Doctor Solo, is everything okay?!" Rose came running in and Ben looked back at her with a stunned expression.

What...the _fuck_ had just happened?


	2. Chapter 2

The moment she jumped from the window, she landed on her hands and feet before jumping up and running off as fast as she could.

She was too fast for the human eye to see, not that really cared if anyone saw her semi nude in the first place (after all, this was Seattle, and stranger things have been seen), but she still held the coat tight around her body.

The moment she took a breath, she nearly fell to her knees at the scent radiating off of the coat. "What is--what is _that_?" She stepped into a dark alley, bringing the coat up to her nose again. Her eyes nearly rolled back as she inhaled, her fangs fully extending as she growled in pleasure.

Pain. There was the distinct scent of pain, of suffering, and of dying firelight. This was the scent of a man who had given up a long time ago, who was just dragging through life, and yet...there was still a fire fighting to stay alive within him. It was barely alight, but it was still there, and she could very clearly smell the embers of his broken heart.

The scent was beyond intoxicating to her, drawn to it like a moth to a flame, and she nearly moaned as she pressed her thighs together tightly. This pain, this delicious pain, it was the best she had ever smelled in her entire existence. Such suffering, such loneliness, such heartbreak...

"Why didn't I just feed from you?" She cooed down at the coat before curiously reaching into the pockets to see if there was anything in them. They were completely empty (much to her dismay because she wanted _more_ things that smelled of this emotionally deceased man) and she let out a loud huff as she looked out the alley.

Her art studio apartment wasn't far from here, she could easily make it, but she had no idea if Snoke sent even more rabids after her. 

Rabids were ghastly creatures with pale white skin and fangs that reached their lower jaw. They were _tall_ , at least eight feet, with completely black eyes that were sunken in, with their noses turned up much like a vampire bat's and their claws would make a velociraptor jealous. They were hairless, looking much like what Finn described as similar to 'The Rake' from those creepypastas he enjoys so much. They were also _fast_. Much too fast for Rey to properly defend herself. 

"At least the hospital got the venom out in time, but I can't believe I even let someone find me and bring me to the hospital in the first place." She sighed as she effortlessly jumped up on the roof of the building beside the alley, running along the rooftops as fast as she could to get to her destination.

The moment she stumbled through her apartment door, Finn was running at her and embracing her tightly. 

"Rey! Oh, God, Rey! I was so worried, are you okay?" He pulled back to cradle her face in his hands with a beyond frantic expression, Rey smiling as she flashed him a thumbs up. 

Finn's scent wasn't appealing to her whatsoever, he smelled of pure, genuine happiness and sunshine. He smelled of laughter, of human love, and she'd rather drink liquid garbage than feed from him. That's why he made such a good human companion for her, and it's why they lived together.

"Are these--are these bandages on your neck?!" Finn moved his hand to touch them but Rey quickly grabbed his wrist while wagging his finger at him and clicking her tongue in warning. "Rey...were you bit by a rabid...?"

"Yeah," Finn knew everything about her kind, he was sort of like an expertise researcher (more like a scholar as a matter of fact, with everything he knew) when it came to both vampires and rabids. He had known what she was the first night they met when he was ten years old. That was thirteen years ago, and he hadn't unstuck himself from her side since. "Yeah, Finn, I was bitten by a rabid."

"You're joking," His face fell and Rey sighed as she undid the bandage, the deep twin puncture marks almost completely healed already. The veins had completely vanished, and she was wondering to think if that ASV actually did help with the bite...but it most certainly didn't agree well with her dead organs and she worried she'd vomit again soon.

"No, I'm not, but I'm fine. I'm here, aren't I?" She patted his cheek gently before walking past him to her room with Finn soon hot on her heels.

"But you could've _died_ \--"

"But I didn't! My hundredth birthday is coming up, how could I let myself die before that? We got that, uh...what those awful vampire movies called again?"

"...Twilight--"

"Twilight!" She snapped her fingers with a grin as she went into her closet, Finn stopping in the middle of her bedroom as she did so. "We got that Twilight marathon to binge on my birthday! You really think I'd let myself die before that happens? Come on, you know I love terrible vampire movies!" She laughed as she shed the coat, the brunette silently inhaling it again before putting it on a hanger and hanging it on her clothing rack. She pushed it all the way to the edge so it was separated from her clothes. 

She wanted the coat to continue smelling like him. 

"Rey--"

"I'm not gonna die, stop shitting yourself about--"

"Rey!" He snapped as she came out in a loose white dress as she stared at him. 

"What?"

"I know you have this secret death wish, that you get off on the thought of...dying," He rubbed the back of his neck nervously, his face twisted in discomfort. "But you need to be more careful. Snoke wants you dead, we both know that, and you're still out there being this careless and reckless individual who is practically inviting the rabids up to you!"

"...Okay, Finn." She responded in a slightly monotone expression, refusing to acknowledge what he had just said. 

"You'll be more careful?" His eyes suddenly lit up and Rey nodded silently. A lie, a blatant lie, but she didn't want the human male worrying over her. Humans were so incredibly fragile, and, believe it or not, Rey actually did care about Finn. He was like her little brother (even though he was twenty-three and she was permanently nineteen), and she'd care for him until he died of old age.

"Yeah, Renfield, I'll be more careful." She winked with a grin and he groaned loudly as he buried his face in his hands.

"For the last time, _stop_ calling me that! I don't eat bugs and I'm not begging you to turn me!"

"Yeah, but you're still like my assistant, aren't you? You go and get me blood bags,"

"'Assistant'? Rey, the word you're looking for is 'best friend'." He deadpanned and Rey snorted loudly before plopping down on her bed and relaxing into the silk comforter as she stretched her arms out.

"Mhm, that's what I said." She hummed out and Finn groaned softly as he left the room.

\-------------------------------------------

Ben sighed as pushed his hair back as he walked down the upper hospital wing, his mind still reeling from what had happened only hours before.

She had _jumped_ from the window and just--just vanished. No body splattered on the ground, no anything. Plus she had been devouring that blood bag like it was liquid candy. 

"Ben," Ben jumped at the sound of Hux's voice before quickly regaining his composure, the man turning his head to glare at the redheaded nurse. "Jesus, what happened to you?" Hux sneered and Ben clenched his jaw before looking back forward and walking again.

"That's not your coat, Doctor Solo, what happened to it? Did you actually lose it?" Hux snickered as he caught up to him, Ben staying completely silent as he glared ahead. "Anyways, I came up to you because I need to ask you to look after Millicent for the weekend." 

Ben completely halted in his steps, pausing before turning to look at his associate. "You want _me_ to look after your cat?"

"I'm only asking because both Rose and Kaydel said no," Hux huffed as he crossed his arms in front of his chest and Ben just stared at him with an annoyed expression. "You were definitely my last choice."

"I'm so touched," Ben drawled sarcastically. "Look, I'm crying by how moved I am."

"Sod off, Solo," Hux sneered once again and Ben couldn't help but smirk at the redhead's irritation. "Will you take her or not? I'm going to visit my mother in London for a few days, and she needs to be taken care of!"

"Can't you just fill her food bowl super high?"

"Wha-- _no_! Have you never had a pet before, Solo?!" Hux bristled and Ben scoffed quietly as he looked away. No, he'd never had a pet. His mother was allergic to cats and his father had been allergic to dogs, so all Ben ever had was goldfish. And goldfish aren't exactly that difficult to take care of.

"If I take her, I expect something in return," Ben grumbled as he started walking again and Hux, yet again, quickly caught up to him. "Something like--oh! Keep Rose Tico the fuck away from me!" Ben grinned and Hux deadpanned. 

"That's it? That's--why do you hate her so much?"

"I don't _hate_ her, per say, she's just extremely bubbly and chatty and that's just not the energy I need."

"Are all of your friends corpses? Because it sounds like you just don't like people in general."

"Ah, I wish I could befriend corpses," Ben sighed as he stood in front of supply closet, quickly unlocking it and opening the door. "They'd keep their mouths shut."

"You're too fucking weird," Hux muttered and Ben looked over his shoulder at him. "But...thanks for being able to take Millicent, I really do appreciate it, I'll drop her off at your place tomorrow afternoon. And yes, I'll keep sweet little Rose away from you." Hux cleared his throat and Ben snorted loudly as he grabbed a few medical supplies from the shelf. 

_Christ, does he like her? Does he actually like that chatterbox mess of a woman?_ "Right...you're welcome," Ben looked back forward and Hux stood there quietly for a minute before Ben sighed loudly in annoyance. "Goodbye, Hux."

"Oh--oh, yeah, right," Hux nodded before taking off, Ben slowly closing the closet door and locking it as he looked down the hall at the fading figure of the male nurse.

He looked down at the supplies in his hand that Kaydel had wanted him to grab for her, the doctor standing there in complete silence as his mind raced.

His mind continued to race until four in the morning when he got in his car, Ben sighing loudly as he rested his head against the steering wheel and closed his eyes.

 _"What bit me you wouldn't know what it was--you wouldn't know what I am, have been for at least a century now, but that's besides the point."_ "Drugs...she had to be on drugs..." He muttered quietly with his eyes still closed, flashes of her fangs running through his head.

 _"Does your daddy work here, did he get you the job?"_ His eyes snapped open at this particular memory of her words, Ben gripping the steering wheel tightly as he grit his teeth. Even though she had apologized (he still hadn't even processed how she had read his mind), he still heavily spited her for saying such a thing. His father _had_ worked there, taught him everything he knew about the medical world, and then...one day...he got the test results back, and Ben--

"Stop," Ben breathed out shakily as he squeezed his eyes shut. "Stop, stop, _stop_." He was pleading to his mind, to the cruel memories to stop playing over and over in his head, but the brain never really listens, does it?

"That's in the past, it's behind me. I went to rehab, I got clean, and now I'm fine. I'm fine! Everything is hunky-dory!" He nodded at himself in the rearview mirror as he lifted his head up, his breathing slightly labored as he did so.

The amount of times a day he craved to pop a Oxycodone and chase it down with a shot of bourbon was overwhelming, but he had to push it down. He had to, he had to, _he had to_. "I'll call my sponsor in the morning," He muttered as he started up the car, pulling out of his parking space and started heading out of the hospital garage.

He suddenly felt his car stop moving, as if someone had grabbed his bumper, and he quickly looked in the rear view mirror to see--it was _her_.

She was positively drenched from the rainstorm that had started an hour earlier, her eyes burning into his in the mirror.

"You smell dead," She was suddenly in the passenger seat, Ben letting out a cry of surprise as he jumped. He hadn't of even seen her open the car door. "Do you know that? I had to come back here to see you again because your scent is haunting me."

"H-how the ever living fuck did you--"

"You smell like you're barely alive, your pain is...God, I don't even know how to describe it!" She laughed and Ben looked at her with a horrified expression. She looked over at him, and he noticed her irises were completely black. _Oh, fuck--oh, shit, oh fuck--_

He wasn't prepared for what she was about to say as she leaned over closely to him.

"Can I eat you?"


	3. Chapter 3

"Can I eat you?"

"W-wha--no?! No! No, no, no!" He frantically spat out and Rey huffed loudly as she pulled back, her expression one of genuine disappointment. "Y-you can't fucking _eat_ me, what the hell is the matter with you?!"

"A lot of things, actually...if you want, I can list off everything wrong with me if you'd like." She shrugged and he gripped the steering wheel tightly. "It all started when my parents abandoned me at birth--"

"Get the fuck out of my car--"

"You want to die though, I don't understand--"

"Get the _fuck_ out of my car!" He snapped harshly and she sighed loudly as she relaxed back against the passenger seat.

"No, I can't do that," Her tone was soft. "I've rather grown attached to your scent and I'm not leaving until you give me permission to eat you." She leaned forward and tapped out a rhythm on the airbag with her hands, Ben's eye twitching as he tensed up.

"That's not going to happen--"

"Then I guess you're stuck with me, huh?" She glanced over at him with a smirk and all he could do was stare into those pitch black irises. It felt as if he was staring Death directly in the face.

"...Please--"

"Oh, we're being polite now, are we?" She hummed as she continued to drum on the airbag and Ben inhaled sharply before looking forward.

"Please, get out of my car," Ben spoke softly and Rey stilled her hands. "I just want to go home, okay? I just want..." _I just want to get high but I know I can't._

"Why can't you get high?" She blinked and he gripped the steering wheel so tightly that his knuckles turned white. "...You were an Oxy addict? I see it, I can see--"

"Get the fuck out of my head!" He shouted and Rey instantly closed her mouth, the brunette blinking before looking forward. 

"Now I know why you smell like death," She whispered, her tone dangerously low. "It's because you invited death to you over and over again by taking Oxy like candy and chasing it down with one bottle after the other. You--were you trying to kill yourself, Ben?"

He tensed up at her saying his name, the man's breathing slowly becoming frantic.

"You were, weren't you? You must've been extremely close to your father to try to end your life--"

"P-please stop talking, just--just get out! Fucking get out!" He choked out in a broken tone and Rey slowly slouched down with a sympathetic expression written all over her face as her eyes slowly turned back to hazel.

"What if I could help you, Ben? What if I could give you an alternate choice to deal with the pain? One that wouldn't get you fired, one that can't even be detected in a drug test?" 

_Is she seriously trying to offer me some sort of drug right now?! What the fuck is this--_

"It's not a drug," She breathed out as she straightened up her back, Ben's eyes flicking over to her. "It's not a drug, Ben, it's an... _experience_."

"...No," He ground out and suddenly Rey looked beyond crushed. "No, I don't want anything from you. Ever. Get out."

"Ben, it will help--"

"Get. Out. _Now_." He hissed loudly and she was suddenly gone, Ben not even seeing his car door open and close as she left.

\-------------------------------------

He had denied her. _He_ had denied _her_. 

She had never shared her blood with anyone in her life, knowing that it could create an incredibly strong mental and emotional bond, and _he had denied her_. 

Of course she hadn't even told him what the 'experience' was, but that was because he hadn't of even entertained the idea. She didn't understand, didn't past addicts always want to get back into the habits of addiction? Was that just an insensitive guess on her part? She supposed it was, and she felt awful about even bringing it up to him.

The amount of painful memories she had seen in his mind, the amount of times he pushed down all emotions with drugs and alcohol was...heartbreaking, to say the least. The anger, the agony, the overall despondency and belligerence this man experienced on a daily basis was astounding.

And Rey was completely and desperately obsessed with him because of it.

She found her hand slowly sliding down her soaking wet dress, the vampire biting her lower lip as she stared up at the ceiling.

She wanted that rage inside of her, that unrelenting sadness that never seemed to cease, but most of all, she wanted his pain. She wanted to taste it, to feel it, to _live_ it, and she knew that her obsession would only grow worse with each passing moment. 

Rey was different from most vampires, as she had found out in the early beginning, simply because she didn't gravitate towards the sweet smelling humans that were full of light and innocence.

No, no, she liked humans who wanted to die. She liked the smell of near death on their skin, liked the way their blood sang of pained desperation for something to come and end them. And, of course, she was more than happy to be the one that ended their pain.

She had supposed that what she did was sadistic in nature, but was it really? She was only doing what they pleaded for in their minds day and night, and it wasn't her fault if some of them regretted it in the end. In her mind, she wasn't doing anything wrong, she was just eating. 

She had gotten the 'loving' nickname 'Angel of Death' from Poe Dameron, a fellow vampire that always visited her any time he was in the same place as she was. She hadn't seen him in a good thirty years or so, but she suspected he was living it up somewhere in Europe. Always the party guy, that one is.

"Please let me take all your pain and live it for you," She whispered to the empty room, her hand sliding down even lower. "I'll take it all, Ben, and I won't leave anything left for you to cry about. I'll eat you down until your smile is all that's left."

She gently palmed herself through her wet underwear, a small whimper escaping her lips as she closed her eyes. "I-I want to consume you, please...please, let me consume you..."

The thought of his mouth attached to her wrist as her blood flowed into his mouth was enough to send her overboard, Rey yelping loudly as she came without even barely touching herself.

"O-oh, fuck... _fuck_ , I didn't even know that was possible..." She breathed out shakily as she forced herself to sit up, her damp hair sticking to her skin as she did so. "Is that normal...? Should I be concerned that I came just from the thought of him feeding from me?"

She sat there for a good thirty minutes in complete silence, the sound of the front door opening breaking her trance.

"Oi, Rey, I'm back! I got you foo--"

"Food!" Rey gasped excitedly and Finn didn't even flinch as she appeared in front of him, the vampire squealing in utter, pure delight as she grabbed the brown paper bag from his hands. "What types did you get on this fine morning, my good sir?"

"Oh, madame, we have a most excellent menu today," He grinned as he spoke in an over the top French accent, Rey giggling loudly as she looked in the bag. "We have the fine O Negative and the most elusive AB Negative for your consumption!"

"Ooh, merci, garçon!" She wiggled her shoulders happily as she too spoke in an over the top French accent, Finn snorting loudly before laughing.

"I'm so deadass though," He returned to his normal American accent. "If you get blood on the carpet this time, you're cleaning it up. Also, you should eat and then change out of that soaking wet dress. Did you go for a run or something?"

"I...yeah, yeah, I went for a run," She replied casually. "And that's fair." She hummed out as she picked up a blood bag, inspecting it closely with curious eyes. "Who gave you the blood today?"

"Same redheaded guy as always," Finn sighed as he walked over to the couch, sitting down as he grabbed the remote and turned on the television. "I think his name is Hux? He upped his prices though, apparently the hospital staff is getting incredibly suspicious that fifteen blood bags go missing every single week."

"They're only _now_ getting suspicious? It's been a good two years or so since I've decided to drastically cut back on humans and have a go at blood bags, what took them so long?"

"Beats me," Finn shrugged and Rey came over and sat down next to him. "But we'll be fine. We won't get caught, they don't know who we are."

"I know." She smiled over at him before taking out a blood bag, her fangs extending before she sank them into the plastic.

It didn't taste angry at all, but she forced it down anyways. There was no pain, no suffering; it was completely bland of the flavors she constantly craved on a nightly basis. 

"Hey, Finn," She spoke quietly as she placed the empty blood bag in her lap, Finn looking over at her as she did so. "What do you do when you're obsessed with something you can't have?"

"...What?" Finn scoffed with a smile and Rey frowned slightly. "Hang on, what exactly do you mean?" He turned completely towards her, resting his arm on the back of the couch.

"Mmn...okay, let me put it in human terms," She fully turned towards him as well, leaning against the couch once she was situated. "Say you're craving a certain brand of candy _really_ bad, right? Like, you smelled it somewhere on the street and you're instantly craving it. You go to find it, but when you do, the person who's selling it tells you that you can't have it. What do you do?"

"...Get another brand of candy similar to it?" Finn's face twisted in confusion and Rey nodded thoughtfully.

"Yes, but--okay, okay, let's say you don't want another brand of candy similar to it--"

"We're not talking about candy here, are we?" Finn sighed as he turned off the television with the remote without even looking at it, Rey sucking in her breath with a guilty expression. "Yeah, that's what I thought. Okay, who's the human?"

"The doctor who kinda saved my life...maybe?" Rey tilted her head to the side and Finn barked out a laugh.

"You're suddenly into doctors? Since when?"

"Since I smelled his pain," Her voice grew quiet again and Finn's expression softened. 

"Rey...no, you _can't_. I know you have this morbid fascination with human pain, that you purposely go out and search for these poor souls, but he's not a lowlife. He's not some suicidal druggie out on the streets that you usually go for, he's an actual doctor that people would search for if he went missing."

"...And what if I don't kill him? What if I just--"

"Don't you dare suggest that you use him as a personal blood bag because I will shut that shit down so fast." Finn deadpanned and Rey slumped her shoulders as she hung her head.

"You don't get it," She whispered in an almost mourning tone. "Humans don't understand and never will."

"Understand exactly what, Rey? That using someone for their blood is--"

"I would _never_ use him!" Rey's head snapped up as she snarled with fangs, her irises completely black as she glared at him.

Finn sat there stunned for a moment, blinking in shock several times in a row before pressing his lips together tightly and scooting back an inch. "...Rey, I've never seen you like this," Finn barely whispered and Rey inhaled sharply as she looked away. "What...is he to you?"

"Everything I've ever wanted," Her expression softened as her eyes returned to normal, but her fangs remained. "I want to steal his pain and take it for my own."

"You--no, Rey, what the _fuck_ \--"

"Like I said, humans won't ever understand. Why do you think most vampires go for the innocents, that rabids are known for going after children? They want to take that innocence for themselves, to feel it in their veins, just so they can feel alive again. I don't want happiness, I want...agony," Rey looked back at him. "I want suffering."

"I can't tell whether you're a sadist or a masochist or a little bit of both..." Finn muttered with a highly disturbed expression and Rey bit back a smile.

"Both, Finn. Both."


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof, okay, it's only going to get darker from here.  
> I should explain that in this fic, vampires don't exactly experience emotions normally like humans do. Their emotions are extremely dull (they can feel guilt and such things but it doesn't exactly feel right in their minds), and they normally mimic human emotions that they remember from being human and from the humans around them. They act how they need to act in particular situations, but on the inside there's barely anything there (and the hollowness increases with age). They feel incredibly empty most of the time, exceptionally hollow, and the only way they feel true emotions is through feeding. The only emotions they can truly feel are jealousy, possessiveness, and lust.

"Ben,"

"Mmn?" Ben looked up at the blonde haired woman in front of him, her blue eyes staring kindly into his. 

"What's bothering you, Ben? I mean, you called me at six in the morning sounding frantic out of your mind, ranting on about some girl--"

"She's not a girl," He quickly shook his head as he grabbed his cup of coffee up off the diner table, his eyes darting around the small diner once before looking back at her. "She's not just a girl, Phasma, there's something incredibly off about her."

"Do you really think it's wise to start a relationship right now, Benny?" Phasma rested her arms on the table and slightly moved forward, Ben snorting loudly before taking a sip of his coffee. He hated it when she called him 'Benny', but he just ignored it because he knew she'd never stop even if he asked.

"I don't want a relationship with her, I think that's what she wants or something of the like, but I want her to leave me the _fuck_ alone. She's stalking me, Phasma! She literally got into my car in the hospital parking garage--"

"Wait, seriously?" Phasma blinked in shock and Ben nodded quickly. "Benny, why the hell haven't you called the police?"

 _Because she isn't human. I don't know what she is, but she isn't human. I thought about it a lot in the two hours before I called you, and I've concluded she isn't human._ "Because I told her to go away and I think--I think she'll respect that, yeah?" He cleared his throat loudly as he put the coffee back down.

"And what if she doesn't? How did you even encounter her anyways?" 

"...She was a patient," Ben looked away and Phasma sucked in her breath as she leaned backwards in the booth. "I guess she has De Clerambault's syndrome or something, right? That's the only reasonable explanation?" _It's not De Clerambault's syndrome. She said she was haunted by my scent. It's my scent._

"Ah...maybe?" Phasma tilted her head to the side with a concerned expression and Ben nodded quietly as he picked his coffee back up. 

"Is that really why you called me though, Benny? Are you...are you having trouble with sobriety?" She reached across the table and placed her hand on Ben's, Ben scoffing out a laugh as he looked up at her.

Phasma had been an even more hardcore alcoholic than he was. She would drink up five bottles of vodka a night, be completely blacked out but still act as if she was sober. There was a point in time where three months were just a blank spot in her mind, and she had finally decided to get help when she almost choked to death on her own vomit in a bathtub. 

She had wanted to be his sponsor the moment he came into AA two years ago right after he got out of rehab, having heard his story and had immediately gone soft towards him. She had lost her grandmother to throat cancer when she was but ten, and she knew that death of a close family member could sometimes have a serious toll on certain folks. 

"I, uh," He scoffed out yet another laugh as he looked away, his smile broken and the look in his eyes told her that he was emotionally gone in that moment. "Sometimes I want to get high, you know? Sometimes I think about going into the pharmaceutical closet and stealing all the Oxycodone in there and just taking them all at once. I think about, uh...h-ha-ha..." He inhaled deeply as he pushed his hair back, his hand trembling ever so slightly.

"It's okay," Phasma spoke softly with her hand still over his as Ben looked back at her. "Sometimes we have fallbacks, right? We all get those thoughts, we all think about relapsing when the painful memories won't stop. We think 'fuck, I'm feeling thirsty', right?"

"You have no--"

"No, my darling, I do have an idea," Phasma smiled kindly and Ben sighed softly before nodding. "I think those thoughts at least once a week when everything around me gets to be too much. I've been sober for four years now, and I just remember that alcohol doesn't help. We may think it helps, but it doesn't."

"Same goes for drugs, right?" He gave her a crooked smile and she chuckled softly as she nodded.

"Yeah, Benny, same goes for drugs."

What Ben didn't notice, though, was the person a few booths behind him covered completely in black clothing. Sunglasses concealed her eyes and she was wearing a large black sunglasses, her hands, adorned in black leather gloves, were gripping the diner menu tightly. 

That person was Rey, who had secretly followed him there even though it was daylight, and she did _not_ like that Phasma's hand was still on his. 

"Take your hand off of his," She hissed quietly as she forced her fangs not to extend, her eyes already pitch black. "You're getting your scent all over him, fucking _quit it_." 

"So, Benny," Phasma smiled as she pulled her hand back, Rey hissing slightly louder as she sank down into the booth at the ridiculous nickname this woman was giving her Ben. "Are you coming to AA tonight?"

"I always do on Wednesdays, you know that." Ben chuckled softly and Rey wanted to scream. He liked her, he saw this 'Phasma' as an older sister figure of sorts, and Rey felt jealousy blossom in her chest like a blooming belladonna flower.

"Well, you'll need to get back home, I assume. I can tell you haven't slept at all!"

"Oh, no, whatever gave you that idea? Was it the bags under my eyes?" Ben smirked and Phasma snorted softly in amusement before laughing.

 _Get away from him. Go. Leave. NOW._ Rey clenched the plastic menu even tighter in her hands, not even noticing the waitress coming up to her.

"Look at you, aren't you dressed to the nines?" The waitress chirped and Rey slowly turned her head towards her. "Your style reminds me of that AHS Coven season, I love it! Can I get you anything, sweetheart?"

"No, my love, I'm more than fine," Rey smiled politely as she put the menu down, Ben suddenly tensing up as he pinpointed her voice out of all the others in the diner. "But if you need me to order something so I can stay, I'll take a water."

"One water coming up!" The waitress grinned before walking off, Ben looking down at the table with wide eyes.

She was here. She was behind him a few booths back. How long had she been there?!

"Benny, are you okay?" Phasma frowned and Ben nodded quickly before coughing and clearing his throat, the man trying to keep his thoughts calm so she wouldn't know that he knew she was there. 

"You know what? I think I am actually going to go back home and sleep. I've got the bill for the coffee, don't worry." Ben hurriedly took his wallet out of his leather jacket pocket and slammed a twenty dollar bill down on the table, Phasma opening her mouth to speak but quickly closed it as she nodded. "I'll see you tonight, yeah?"

"Yeah, of course, Benny." Phasma smiled and Ben stood up, quickly taking off and walking even faster by Rey's table.

"Mmn..." Rey hummed as he went out the door, her eyes narrowing as he did so. 

\----------------------------------------

The moment Ben got home, he had thrown open his laptop and started doing extensive, frantic research on whatever the hell this girl is. 

He looked up ' _fangs, black eyes, super speed and strength_ ' and instantly gotten the search result ' _vampire_ ' back, his jaw dropping as a choked noise escaped his throat. But she was out in the sun, he didn't understand. Weren't vampires supposed to burn in the sun? Was that why she was covered head to toe in black clothing?

"F-fuck...fuck, I've got a psychotic _vampire_ stalking me..." His breathing was shaky, his heart racing as he clicked on each website telling him about vampires.

Each website was different, each different lore and traits, and he felt like he was getting nowhere. Some were saying red eyes, some were saying two sets of fangs, and some were saying that vampires had no distinguishable traits whatsoever and looked just as human as everyone else. "That's a fuckin' lie," Ben hissed as he slammed the laptop shut, pushing it toward the end of his bed before laying back. 

He threw an arm over his eyes, sighing loudly as he tried to calm himself down. 

He awoke to the sound of someone knocking on his door, Ben groaning softly as he sat up and rubbed his eyes. He looked over at the clock, seeing it was early afternoon, and all he wanted to do was go back to sleep.

"Solo, it's me!" He heard Hux shout from outside and Ben groaned louder as he got out of bed. The cat, he had completely forgotten about the stupid cat.

Ben left his bedroom and walked to the front door, opening it with an exhausted scowl as soon as he saw Hux's smug face. 

"Here she is!" Hux handed the cat carrier to Ben, Ben taking it and looking down at it as he heard Millicent meowing loudly from within the carrier. "Here's the bag with all her toys and food, and don't worry, she's potty trained--"

"She's _what_?" Ben croaked out and Hux chuckled softly as he handed him the cloth bag filled with all of her things.

"She'll scratch at the door when she needs to go out, she's very much like a tiny little dog. She'll even play fetch with you, it's quite riveting!"

"So, I'm basically taking care of a cat-dog?" Ben arched a brow and Hux bit back a laugh as he nodded. "Splendid."

"She won't give you any trouble, I promise. Just let her snuggle up to you at night and she'll be a breeze to care for,"

"Great, bye--"

"But if you could give her a little brush every few hours, she'd greatly appreciate it. She really loves affection, and being held, so if you could just--"

"I got it, Hux." Ben sighed loudly in irritance and Hux gently patted the top of the carrier.

"I'll be back soon, princess, don't worry," Hux cooed and Ben couldn't help but scowl at the way Hux was talking to this cat. "Uncle Ben is going to take great care of you!"

"Oh, yes, I'll make sure she's the queen of this establishment. Ta-ta, Hux."

"Solo, remember to--" Ben slammed the door in Hux's face before putting the carrier down on the floor and the bag on the table beside the front door, crouching down and opening the metal door to the carrier.

The orange tabby darted out and immediately started smelling everything, her pupils blown wide in her golden-green eyes as she explored his entire condo.

"Don't scratch anything up," He muttered as he followed her around, Millicent pausing in his bedroom and turning to look at him. "What? Don't look at me like that, I haven't done anything to you."

She meowed loudly and fell on her side in front of him, rolling over on her back and sticking her paws up in the air as her tail swished back and forth excitedly on the carpeted floor.

"You really are a cat-dog, aren't you?" He chuckled as he sat down in front of her, gently rubbing her belly as she began to purr loudly. "We might actually get along, you know that?"

She meowed again and Ben couldn't help but smile as she rubbed her tiny face against his hand. Maybe pets weren't all that bad, maybe he genuinely missed out on having a pet as a child.

"Are you hungry? Do I feed you now or when you start to scream at me like a tiny gremlin?" She meowed loudly in response and he nodded as he laughed. "Okay, I'll feed you now, 'princess'." 

He got back up and walked back out to the living room, digging through the bag until his heart stopped at hearing _her_ voice coming from his room.

"Hi, baby!" Rey gasped excitedly from within his room and he heard Millicent meow loudly, Ben running back into the room to expect the worst.

But it wasn't bad at all, in fact, she was just cradling Millicent in her arms like a mother would to an infant as she softly cooed down at the purring feline. "Look at you, you're so pretty! Your fur is so soft, isn't it? You're very, very pretty, aren't you? You're just a pretty little baby!" 

"Why are you here?!" Ben snapped and Rey looked up at him, still adorned with her sunglasses and sun hat. "Why are you--"

"Hush, Ben, you'll startle her!" Rey smiled and Ben growled lowly as rage began to swim in his vision. Fuck the fear at this point, he was getting positively sick of her barging in on his life.

Rey tilted her head slightly as she looked at him, the brunette realizing that she hadn't of really gotten a detailed look of him the last two times she encountered him.

In her mind's eye, he looked like a painting. She loves his hair, how it hangs in thick, silky black waves, and it heavily reminds her of the ocean at night. She loves the beauty marks dusted on his face in all the right places, loves how strong his jawline is and how his skin reminds her of fresh cream. She loves the unique handsomeness of his overall features, and she loves how built he was too. _Like a goddamn steam locomotive,_ her mind purred.

"You need to leave--"

"I came to offer my proposal to you again," She cradled Millicent closer to her, the tabby purring even louder. "And I just--I wanted to see you, Ben. I'm out here in the daylight because of how badly I want to see you, and I know I'm more than certainly going to be as red as lobster come tomorrow."

"Why don't you just go out and stand in the sun and burn?"

"I'm not an ancient, Ben," She frowned and Ben clenched his jaw as he balled up his fists at his sides. "I'm only ninety-nine, I'll be one hundred this coming Saturday, and because of that my skin is only highly sensitive to the sunlight. I won't erupt into flames like my maker would."

"Well, that's a damn shame," Ben sneered and Rey crouched down, gently putting Millicent on the ground and the cat scampered off out of the room. "I would've loved to watch you barbecue in the sun."

"Mmn, you're so cold," Rey stood back up, taking off her hat and dropping it to the floor before taking off her sunglasses. Hazel, her eyes were hazel, not that demonic black that petrified him to his very core. "You're really not afraid to hurt people's feelings, are you?"

"Not when they stalk me and come into my home uninvited." Ben spat and Rey scoffed with a smile before looking around.

"But you did invite me, Ben, it's the only reason I was able to come in here. You can't stop thinking about me, and your scent only grows stronger to me each time I occupy your mind."

"I wouldn't feel bad for killing a _vampire_ \--"

"Kill me?" She smiled and Ben froze as she was suddenly in front of him, her gloved hands sliding up his chest as she stared up at him. "Don't you know that killing someone is the ultimate act of everlasting love?"

"You're fucking crazy," He breathed out and Rey smirked as she caressed his cheek. 

"I am, yes, all my kind is when they find a human that's scent attracts them like no other," She purred out and Ben let out a shuddering breath as she gently nosed his throat. "And I want you, Ben. I only want you for the rest of my days."

"Will you ever stop stalking me...?" Ben squeezed his eyes shut as she felt one of her hands slip under his shirt, her hand pressing against his heart as she let out a delighted mewl at his racing heartbeat.

"No, love, I won't," She purred louder and Ben suddenly felt helpless. He couldn't fight her off, he had seen her grab his bumper and stop his car like it was nothing, and he knew there was nothing he could do. "But I won't ever force you to do something you don't want." She quickly pulled away from him as she hugged herself, the brunette looking away with a far off look in her eyes. 

"I know what it's like to be forced to do something, and I would never do that to someone. I like you, Ben, and I want you to learn to like me, too."

"I--I can't wrap my head around this," Ben leaned against the doorway with an exhausted expression and Rey looked over at him. "Is this real? Is this actually happening? Are you just a hallucination?"

"No," She laughed quietly as she put her hands in her black coat pockets. "No, I'm not a hallucination. I wish I was, though. Sometimes I wish this was all just a simulation and that I don't actually exist."

"Yeah, I get that," Ben muttered as he looked away. "I disassociate a lot, too."

"Is that what it's called?" Rey smiled softly and Ben looked back over at her. "Back in my day, there weren't exactly the medical diagnoses there are today. I was just labeled as crazy and sent off to an institution when I was fourteen by the orphanage in London."

"Insti--institution?" Ben furrowed his brows and Rey quickly shook her head as she put her hand up, a sure sign of her telling him to not even ask. 

"We can talk about that further in the future, but right now you need to sleep. I'll feed Millicent, don't worry."

"Wait, hang on, I didn't say you could stay--"

"I know," She began to take off her gloves, Ben silently marveling at how tiny her hands were. Was her skin this glowy and golden the last time he saw her? "I'm telling you I'm staying."

"And if that makes me uncomfortable?" He narrowed his eyes and Rey sighed softly.

"It shouldn't, I'm not going to do anything to you while you sleep. Trust me, I know what it's like to be defiled when you are most vulnerable."

Ben paused at her words, his brows furrowing once more at her words. _What the hell have you been through...?_

"A lot," Rey laughed dryly as she dropped her gloves to the ground, the vampire beginning to shed off her coat. "And I will tell you in the future when you are ready to accept my feelings towards you. I'll explain my proposal to you when you awake."

"...I'm not even gonna argue anymore, just screw it." Ben grumbled as he walked over to the bed, collapsing on top of it on his stomach and covering his head with a pillow.

"That's a wise decision." She walked out of the room, placing her hand over her unbeating heart with an emotionless expression.

She needed his pain, and soon. She needed to experience it just so she could remember the emotion that made her into the person she is today.

She needed to be in pure excruciation. Ben's excruciation.


	5. Chapter 5

Rey hummed to herself in Ben's kitchen as he slept, Millicent purring quietly as she rubbed against her leg.

"You're awfully peculiar for a kitty cat, you know that? Most animals hate me but you just absolutely adore me, don't you?" Rey cooed as she dumped the box of spaghetti noodles into the boiling pot full of water on the stove, the tabby meowing loudly as she stood up on her hind legs and put her paws up on Rey's leg.

"Well, the feeling is rather mutual!" Rey laughed loudly as she bent down and picked up the tabby, cradling in her arms as she looked down at the pot.

In reality, she didn't care about the cat whatsoever. She liked her, yes, but Rey hadn't felt caring feelings for anyone besides Finn (and now Ben) in almost a century. She couldn't exactly feel anything, it was just...emptiness; a hollow void where her heart should be. The only reason she cared about Finn was because she had known him for thirteen years, she had seen him grow up right before her very eyes, and he reminded her a lot of herself when she was human.

He reminded her of what she was before Snoke had obliterated her mortality. 

"I could just eat you, you know that?" She smiled down at Millicent and the cat mewled softly as she closed her big eyes.

Her phone suddenly rang in her back pocket and she gently put Millicent down on the ground, pulling her phone out and instantly answering it. "Finn?"

" _Hey, yeah, uh...where are you?_ "

"Oh, I'm just at a friend's house making him dinner for when he wakes up."

" _...You're with the doctor,_ "

"Mhm," She hummed out as she stirred the noodles in the pot with a wooden spoon. "I am, I am!"

" _Christ, Rey, I thought we talked about this?! You need to come back now, just make him forget about you--_ "

"No, no, I'm staying here, but thank you for the concern! You are being a very considerate person and a decent human being!" Sometimes Rey sounded like a robot trying to imitate a human, and that actually wasn't that far off in a certain sense. "You are a wonderful humanitarian!"

" _Rey, no--okay, you know what? How about we start the Twilight marathon right now, huh? Just race on back home and--_ "

"Ha-ha, Finn, no! It's okay, he's fast asleep! I haven't done anything to him yet, he hasn't given me permission! You know I never do anything to a human unless they ask first." She smiled as she stirred the pasta one last time before taking the spoon out and placing it on the stove. 

" _No, they don't say it, they think it and you just assume!_ " He sounded both agitated and frantic all at once, Rey frowning slightly as she paused. 

"Well, he hasn't thought of giving me permission at all, so I'm not going to do anything unless he does. I'm not a _monster_ , Finn, I'm just an inhuman creature who feeds off of the living. There's a difference!" 

There was not a difference.

" _Rey, come on, please! I'm so afraid you're going to do something you regret, why don't you get that?_ " He suddenly paused for a moment before speaking again. " _Let's play human for a moment, okay?_ "

"Ooh, okay!" Rey's eyes lit up excitedly as she leaned forward against the kitchen counter, resting her free arm on top of it. 

" _Okay, great! Let's pretend you're human for a moment, yes?_ "

"Yes!"

" _Okay, awesome! Imagine you're a human and that a vampire broke into your home because they're obsessed with your scent. How would that make you feel?_ " 

Rey hesitated for a moment before answering. "Um...hungry--"

" _No--no, no, you're the human in this scenario, remember?_ "

"Oh, shite, yeah," She smacked her forehead as she cursed softly at her idiocy. "I'm the human."

" _Yes, you're the human, and a vampire has broken into your home, don't even try to lie to me and tell me you didn't get into his house that way because I know you'll be lying, because of how good you smell to them. How would that make you, a human, feel?_ "

"...Afraid?" She blinked and she heard Finn cheer on the other line.

" _Yes! Yes, yes, afraid! Afraid, confused, agitated, and concerned for your own safety! So, how do you think he feels?_ "

"Oh..." She frowned as she looked down. "He feels afraid, confused, agitated, and concerned for his own safety..."

" _He more than certainly does, Rey. He may not be showing it, or thinking it, or maybe he has and you just haven't noticed it, but he doesn't want you there. Just please come back home, okay? Just...just make him forget you, yeah? It's for the best, peanut._ "

"But what about me...?" She whispered as she hung up the phone, placing it down on the counter with a solemn expression. "What about what I want?"

She walked out of the kitchen to look down the hall at his open bedroom door, Rey seeing his sleeping form in his bed. "Why can't I have what _I_ want?"

She was on his bed in the blink of an eye, straddling him as she caressed his cheek and looked down at him.

Ben sighed softly in his sleep and leaned into her touch, Rey freezing at her eyes widened.

 _Cold...nice..._ His thoughts whispered sleepily and Rey's expression softened as she got off the bed and went back to the kitchen.

Ben's eyes fluttered open thirty minutes later, the man groaning softly as he turned on his side to see Rey laying there. 

"...Oh, what fresh hell is--"

"Shh," She put her finger to his lips, Ben furrowing his brows in aggravation. "Finn called me earlier and explained to me that what I have done, broken into your home and refusing to leave, may have made you afraid, agitated, confused, and concerned for your safety. But I am here to tell you that I will not harm you, that I have no intentions to harm you, and I'm only here because I want to take your pain as my own."

"...I honestly have no idea what to say to that," He muttered as she took her hand back, Rey frowning slightly as she did so. "But...thanks? I guess? For not eating me?"

"Oh, I still very much want to eat you," Her fangs extended involuntarily at just the thought of his blood went entering her mouth, Ben flinching at the sight. "But not unless you give me permission."

"I think you'll find that I will _never_ give you permission, you psychotic--"

"Rey,"

"What?"

"Rey," She smiled as she moved closer to him. "My name is Rey."

"...Just Rey?" He asked in a slow tone and Rey nodded. "Really, no last name?"

"I was never adopted." She shrugged and Ben clicked his tongue before moving over on his back. "It's actually kind of fun to not have a last name, you know? I get to choose whatever last name I want when I have to forge documents!"

"Oh, yeah?" He sighed as he closed his eyes, Rey gently placing her hand on his chest to feel his heartbeat. His hand twitched as he thought about shoving her away, but he suddenly stopped. What was the point if she was never going to stop obsessing over him in the first place?

"We could really benefit from each other, you know that? I need your pain more than you do, and I'll be glad to take it all from you. All you have to do is let me." Rey hummed softly and Ben narrowed his eyes up at the ceiling.

 _You're beyond insane._ He hissed in his mind loudly and she rested her head on his shoulder. _I don't even know how to react to this situation anymore._

"You can think I'm insane, I honestly don't mind," She sighed softly as she closed her eyes. "You'll find that you can't exactly hurt my feelings. Oh, I also made you spaghetti. I made you a bowl and everything, I even added parsley."

"...Wait, you made me food?" He sat up quickly as he looked at her, Rey sitting up as well as she smiled and tucked a strand of his hair behind his ear. "You can cook?"

"I'm only ninety-nine, Ben! Like I said, I'm not an ancient! I used to make food in the orphanage all the time for me and the other kids--well, it wasn't _good_ food because we had so little ingredients, but I made do."

"You...made me food," His tone was one of disbelief, as if he was shocked that she had cooked for him. "While I slept?"

"So you wouldn't be hungry when you awoke, yes," She nodded and he swallowed before looking forward. "What, do you have something against spaghetti or something?"

"No, no, I'm just genuinely surprised you made me food. You know, because that's normally not what people do when they break into one's house."

"You'll find that I'm different," She winked before hopping off the bed, seemingly disappearing from the room. "Do you want in here or in there?" She called out from the kitchen and he sighed loudly as he got out of bed and walked out of his room.

He needed to shower and change his clothes to prepare for his AA meeting at six, and then for his shift that started at one. "You're gonna need to leave before six, okay? I've got stuff to do." He walked into the kitchen to see her already holding out a bowl full of spaghetti out of him with a fork in it and everything.

"That's fine! I'll just come back when you get back home--"

"Hang on, no," He took the bowl from her, glancing down at it before looking back at her. "You can't just barge into my home anytime you wish, you need to understand that. This is like a private sanctuary, yeah? It's _my_ home, not yours." 

"But isn't the expression 'home is where the heart is'?" She cocked her head to the side and he just stared at her.

"...I'm not your heart--"

"Mmn, you are, but okay," She shrugged as she put the lid on the pot full of spaghetti. "Whatever makes you feel more comfortable, I suppose."

He only stared at her with narrowed eyes, his expression one of extreme annoyance and she could feel said annoyance radiating off of him.

"Do you wish me to leave now, Ben?" She asked softly and Ben hesitated before nodding. "Then I'll leave." She walked over to him, standing on her tippy toes and kissing his cheek before vanishing.

He instantly put the bowl down on the kitchen counter, his hand flying up to his cheek where she had just kissed him.

It still felt... _cold_.

\---------------------------------------

"I'll see you later, Benny!"

"Yeah!" He called out over his shoulder to Phasma as he walked back to his car, the rain pouring down on him as he began to run.

AA had just finished and he would need to go back home and shower yet again from how drenched he was. "Shit, shit, shit, I should've brought an umbrella!" He cursed loudly as he ran into the dark, practically empty parking garage across the street, rushing to his car as water dripped off his skin.

He swore he saw something moving quickly in the corner of his eye, Ben suddenly halting and looking around. _What the fuck was that...?_ All he could hear was his own breathing and the sound of heavy rain, there was nothing else that was making any other sort of noise. 

He shook it off and started towards his car again, but an inhuman screech coming from several feet behind him made him stop dead in his tracks. He slowly looked over his shoulder to see what he could only describe as a walking nightmare.

It was tall, abnormally so, with paper white skin and its jaws were open as black venom seeped from its mouth and down its chin. Its sunken, blackened eyes were trained on him, its hands twitching excitedly with anticipation as his heart began to race. He could see its ribs for Christ's sake, and its claws looked like they were made for ripping flesh right off the bone.

"...Oh, _fuck_..." He choked out and it screeched again as he fully turned around, the creature running at him with a speed he had never seen.

"BEN!" That was Rey, and he saw her run at the creature. She tackled it to the ground, a loud scream escaping her lips as it tore into her arm violently.

"Re--REY!"

"RUN!" She screamed at the top of her lungs, but Ben couldn't. He was too frozen in fear, too entranced by the terrifying image of her fighting this creature to what he knew to be to the death. "B-BEN, _RUN_!"

But instead of running away, he found himself running forward. He wasn't exactly sure why he did it, why he felt compelled to save her when all she had done was antagonize his every waking thought, but he was running at her anyways. 

He pulled her away from the creature, squeezing his eyes shut as he did so, and when he opened them he realized they were in what must be her bedroom. "B-Ben, you idiot!" She snapped as she tore away from him, holding her heavily bleeding arm as she did so. "You could've been _killed_!" 

" _I_ could've been killed?! I was saving _your_ life!" He snarled and Rey growled loudly at him before collapsing against the wall as she grit her teeth in pain.

"Rey?!" Finn ran in and completely ignored Ben as he ran past him. "Shit, Rey, were you attacked by another rabid?!"

"F-Finn, I'm fine, I'm--" She cut herself off by letting out a loud scream as she threw her head back, Ben watching her with terror written all over his face.

"You!" Finn's head whipped towards him and Ben jumped slightly. "You're the doctor, right?!"

"U-uh, yeah--"

"You have to get the venom out of her right now, do you understand?! You need to help her--"

"We're not exactly in a hospital, bud--"

"THEN MAKE DO!" Finn yelled and Ben paused before quickly nodding and rushing over, grabbing her arm and looking at it. It was much more gruesome than the wound she had had when she was brought into the hospital, and he saw the creature's black venom seeping out of the deep scrapes that were left by its fangs. It had only scraped her, he could've sworn he saw it tear into her arm, but this was a much better outcome than that.

"Do I suck the venom out?! What do I do?!" He asked frantically and Rey bit back yet another scream as she glared at him.

"Yes!" Both Finn and Rey snapped at him in unison and he hesitated before bringing her arm up to his lips and attaching his mouth to the wound.

Rey suddenly gasped loudly as she bit back a moan, pressing her thighs together tightly as the fantasy she had gotten off to earlier was happening in real life. She'd have Ben do this again later, and she'd make sure her blood wasn't poisoned. Ben pulled back after a few moments and spit the venomous blood out onto the carpet as he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, Rey collapsing in Finn's arms as she sighed in relief.

Yes, she loved pain, but a rabid's venom was _too_ painful. 

"T-thank you..." She breathed out as she closed her eyes, Finn holding her close and quietly hushing her.

"Can you please go get her a blood bag from the fridge?" Finn asked softly and Ben nodded as he left the room. He quickly rushed to the kitchen, throwing open the fridge and grabbing a blood bag. _So these are where all the missing blood bags are going, huh? I should've guessed as so._

He hurried back to the room and handed the bag to Finn, Finn then tearing it open and pouring its contents down Rey's throat.

"B-Ben...this is Finn...Finn, this is Ben..." Rey slurred tiredly as her eyes closed yet again and Finn sighed as he felt her go limp in his arms.

"W-wait, is she--"

"She's asleep," Finn stood up and carried her over to the bed, tucking her in with the greatest of care. "Her kind doesn't exactly sleep unless they've been through extreme measures or it's been a while since they've slept. In Rey's case, it's both. She hasn't slept in about five months or so."

"Five months...?" Ben blinked and Finn nodded. "Will--will she be okay?"

Finn smiled before walking out the door, Ben quickly following him. "She'll be fine, yes. Trust me, she's had worst wounds. I would've sucked the venom out, but she'd never let me. She doesn't want any possibility of her blood getting into my system because she doesn't see me like that."

"See you...like what?"

"A lover," Finn chuckled and Ben's cheeks burned red as he clenched his jaw. "One who she's willing to share her mind with."

"Wait--wait, wait, like a telepathic bond or something?"

"Yeah!" Finn walked to the living room and sat down on the couch, patting the space beside him with a smile. Ben slowly walked over and sat down beside him as Finn turned to face him. "But you didn't swallow any of it, so you're good. Trust me, you would know if you had swallowed any, plus it was tainted so you'd most likely be dead right now."

"Lovely." Ben muttered as he leaned back against the couch, crossing his arms across his chest as he did so. He was still soaked and he _hated_ that his clothes were sticking to his skin.

"So, were you two hanging out when the rabid came after her?"

"Um," Ben shifted on the couch with an uncomfortable expression as he nervously tapped his foot on the ground. "No, it, uh--I was alone before she came, it tried to come after me."

Finn's face fell before he cursed loudly and wrung his hands together in a nervous, frantic manner.

"What...?"

"He knows about you then, he's trying to eliminate you because he can sense through their bond how much she's... _obsessing_ over you. He's trying to kill--"

"Who?" Ben cut him off harshly and Finn rubbed the back of his neck nervously before slapping his hands down on his thighs. " _Who_?!"

"Snoke," Finn swallowed with fear shining in his eyes. "Snoke, her maker. He's--he's obsessed with her, she's his favorite progeny--"

"No," Ben laughed as he shook his head while standing up. "No, no, I'm not doing this shit!"

"You don't have a choice, Ben! She's not going to just forget about you, even though I asked her to make you forget about her--"

"Oh, so erasing memories is a thing vampires can do, too?! Great! Fuckin' fantastic, eh?! Here I am, with my own shit to deal with, and now I have her, this Snoke guy, and those goddamned monstrous creatures after me, huh?! No! No, I don't want this! _I don't want her_!" Ben spat with immense venom as he jabbed a finger down the hall at Rey's room, Finn shrinking back against the couch as he did so.

"Tell her to stay the _fuck_ away from me--"

"But you saved her, didn't you?" Finn spoke and Ben froze. "She never runs away from fights, she never has, and that's why I know you saved her. You didn't have to, you could've ran, but you didn't. You saved her."

He had. He had saved her, and he still wasn't entirely sure why he had done so in the first place. She had done nothing but stalk him, give him the downright heebie-jeebies, and yet...he had saved her. He had saved her from certain death.

"She obviously really likes you, why don't you just...I don't know, give her a chance? She's actually kinda funny when you get to know her, and she's really good at making people smile! Plus, she's awesome at cooking!"

"...Yeah, she is awesome at cooking," Ben sighed as he sat back on the couch, holding his head in his hands as he stared down at the floor. The spaghetti had been the best he had ever had, and he had nearly obliterated the entire pot. "But this is too much, can you understand that?"

"No, yeah, totally, I get that it's a lot," Finn patted him on the back, Ben looking over at him as he did so. "But she's not gonna leave you alone, man. She's like an adorable little leech when she finds a human with a scent that's pleasant to her, and I've never seen her act like this about anyone before. I mean, she's never brought anyone home before..."

"...Can I use your shower?" Ben asked quietly and Finn nodded. 

"I'm not going to be able to leave here until daylight, am I?" Finn nodded yet again and Ben sighed loudly as he held his hand out.

"Give me your phone, I have a few calls I need to make."


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic hurts my soul--

_"Hello," Rey looked up at the man in front of her, her hazel eyes shining with unshed tears. "Who are you, little one?"_

_"I'm...Rey..." Rey whispered, the young girl knowing not to speak any louder for fear of the nurses coming back. She didn't want to be whipped again, she didn't want any more medication shoved down her throat or injected into her already infected bloodstream._

_"Just Rey?" The man smiled as he knelt down to her level, Rey hugging her knees tightly to her chest as he did so. He was...luminous, to say the least. He was beautiful, and she was nothing. Why was he speaking to her? Why was he in this asylum standing before her?_

_She nodded silently in response, the man chuckling and taking a strand of her hair as he twirled it around his index finger. "My maker would like you a lot, you know that? You're so...innocent and sad," He grinned and Rey bit her lower lip. "You're a virgin too, aren't you? Yes, I can smell it."_

_"Have you...come to save me...?" Hope swelled in her chest as she smiled and he continued to grin._

_"Yes."_

Rey's eyes flew open as she gasped loudly, her body convulsing slightly as she coughed violently. 

"You're awake," Ben leaned against the doorway with his arms folded across his chest and Rey instantly sat up. "Congratulations on not dying."

"Thank you," Rey smiled as she hugged her knees to her chest, resting her chin on top of her knees. "I can hear the sarcasm, but thank you regardless."

"...I only saved you because I didn't want the guilt on me," He shoved his hands into his jean pockets that were still warm from coming out of the dryer. "That's why I did it."

She gasped softly and was suddenly before him, her hands on his chest as she grinned excitedly up at him. "You're lying!"

"W-wha--no, I'm not!" Ben spat out with a flustered expression and Rey squealed in delight as she nodded. 

"You are! You were genuinely worried about my safety, I can smell it on you!"

"...Look, whatever, but it'll be daylight in fifteen minutes and I'm leaving, and I would appreciate it if you never contacted me again." He pushed her away and Rey's smile faltered. He felt that guilt tug on his heartstrings, that terrible, terrible guilt, but he pushed it down. He was good at pushing emotions down, and this time was no different.

"But he'll kill you if you leave, if anyone is going to kill you, it will be me--"

"See?! This is the type of shit I _don't_ want! This is why I don't like you, Rey! This is why I don't want you near me under any circumstances!" Ben spat harshly and Rey's expression hardened. "I don't want you, Rey, why can't you get that?!"

"But what about what _I_ want?!" Rey snarled as her fangs extended and Ben flinched as he instantly stumbled backwards, her eyes immediately turning black. "How come I never get what _I_ want?! You mortals are all the same; selfish!"

"I'm being selfish for not wanting you to eat me?! For not wanting to be killed by your maker who's obsessed with you?!"

"He wants me dead, too, _asshole_!" She shouted as she pushed him backwards harshly, Ben having to place his hands on the narrow hallway walls to keep himself from falling backwards. "He wants me dead because I'm no longer his little pet he can use and abuse freely!"

"Well, aren't you just the little emotional baggage queen?" Ben snapped and Rey growled loudly as she balled her fists up by her side. "Guess what, Rey? We all have issues, we all have trauma, but humans don't go around putting that shit on others!"

"It's not my fault he sent the rabid after--"

"Yes! Yes, it really fucking is your fault! If you had never started stalking me, none of this would be happening! This is all _your_ fault! You're--you're baleful!" 

"Baleful?" She scoffed before laughing bitterly. "I'm baleful? How could I be baleful when I told you I'd never hurt you, that'd I never force you to do anything against your will? How is _that_ being baleful?!" She looked...slightly hurt. It was strange seeing hurt in her eyes, especially after Finn explained to him that Rey couldn't exactly feel any emotions whatsoever. Was she just mimicking a hurt expression for this situation? Was the hurt actually even real, or just a very believable lie?

"Don't contact me again--"

"I can't!" Rey choked out as she hugged herself tightly. "I can't _not_ see you, Ben! I need your pain, you don't understand!"

"Find someone else to stalk because I'm done with this," He stated bluntly with an icy tone, Rey's shoulders trembling as she looked down. "And you're a wonderful actress by the way, most people would believe this little act you've got going on, but I'm not most people."

"I-it's not an act...I'm desperate..." Rey whispered brokenly and Ben sneered at her. "Ben, please, I need you so badly--"

"I'm not feeding you, Rey. Ever."

"G-God, please!" She fell to her knees in front of him, hugging his leg tightly as her body trembled. "Please, Ben, _please_! I need your pain more than you ever could, why aren't you understanding that?! Let me feel it, let me in! Let me in, Ben, let me in!"

He looked down at her, and the moment he did he regretted it. She was shaking, clinging to his leg desperately as if he was the only thing holding her down to this earth. She was whimpering and whining, faking the sounds a human makes when they cry, and yet no tears ran down her cheeks.

"...You really are a monster for pretending to cry just to get me to stay..." He breathed out with disgust on his face and Rey quickly shook her head.

"N-no! No, no, no, Ben! B-Ben!"

"Get off of me, Rey! This isn't going to work on me!" He attempted to pry her off but Rey only whined louder, clinging and sticking to him like super glue. "Rey, _get off_!"

"Don't leave me, I-I need you! I need you, I need you, I need you!"

\-------------------------------

The moment he got home, he nearly broke down. Her desperate words had stayed in his head the entire time he walked back to his condo, his hands trembling as he dropped his keys on the table. 

_"Don't leave me, I-I need you! I need you, I need you, I need you!"_ "S-stop it..." He breathed out shakily as he buried his face in his hands, tears stinging his eyes as he squeezed them shut.

 _"Don't leave me, I-I need you! I need you, I need you, I need you!"_ "F-fucking stop it! Stop!" 

_"Don't leave me, I-I need you! I need you, I need you, I need you!"_ "STOP IT!" He screamed and Millicent scattered out of the living room with her tail all poofed up, Ben falling back against the door with a broken sob.

She had been so good at acting heartbroken, she had been marvelous at it. He had almost believed her, he had almost believed that she really was in emotional agony. It was too much, it was taking the heaviest toll on his emotional wellbeing, and he didn't know how much more he could take.

He slowly slid down to the floor as he felt the tears come, tugging at his hair as he hung his head. 

_"Don't leave me, I-I need you! I need you, I need you, I need you!"_ "Y-you're hurting me..." He choked out as he opened his eyes, his eyes stinging with hot tears. "You're hurting me and you're not even understanding that you are..."

When Finn had explained to him that the only real emotions Rey could feel was possessiveness, jealousy, and lust, Ben was kind of gobsmacked for a moment. Every other emotion she had portrayed around him was just a beautifully sculpted lie, a perfect mimicking of what she had learned from humans over the years. She couldn't feel sadness, nor pain or anger, and she couldn't even feel joy or excitement. She was hollow. She was _empty_.

And it was starting to really affect Ben. 

How could he emotionally deal with this right now? How could he even fathom that this was happening to him? It all felt so wrong, unbelievably wrong, and he hated that he was being reduced to nothing but tears because of it.

It hurt, it all hurt so, so, _so_ much.

"R-Rey...why me...?"

\-------------------------------------

Rey sat on her bed with her knees hugged to her chest, her eyes blankly staring out her bedroom door with no emotion on her face.

She felt nothing in the moment, nothing at all, and it was the very first time in a long time that she wasn't faking an emotion of sorts. _Empty, I'm empty_ , she whispered to herself in her mind. _I am hollow._

The moment he had left, all emotion had drained from her face. She was thankful Finn was out doing stuff on his own time this morning because she really didn't want him to see her like this. She didn't want him to see her true self, this shell of a person that once was. Perhaps Ben was right, perhaps she truly was a monster.

 _He's gone now_ , she told herself as she closed her eyes. _He's gone and he's never coming back. You deprived yourself of the only thing that's made you feel alive in almost a century and you hadn't of even tasted him yet._

Her eyes suddenly flew open at this as she furrowed her brows. "I haven't tasted him yet," She muttered as she suddenly perked up. "I haven't tasted him yet and yet I still felt...something?" She tried to imagine what it was that she felt with him, what emotion it could possibly be, and yet she had no words for it.

"Um--um, um, um...okay, hang on," She got up and grabbed the dictionary off of her desk, flipping through the pages until she found the word she was looking for. "Happy; adjective...feeling or showing pleasure or contentment." She stared down at the word, wondering if that was what she was feeling. "...What does 'contentment' feel like?" She muttered before sighing and shaking her head.

She continued to flip through it, trying to find any and all definitions that could possibly describe what it was that he gave her. She suddenly stopped at a word, her eyes widening as she completely froze.

' _Love; noun. An intense feeling of deep affection._ '

She dropped the dictionary on the floor with wide eyes still, her chest feeling as if it was burning.

It was love.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Snoke is awful, Snoke is awful, what can I say except Snoke is awful.

Ben heard knocking on his door around midnight, the man freezing as he was brushing his teeth.

"I'm knocking this time..." Rey spoke softly from outside the door, sighing softly as she hung her head. "I know you hate me, Ben, and you have every single right to. I was acting very toxic, I know that now. I just...I just wanted to apologize, okay? And no, I'm not faking this apology just to get something out of you. I am actually apologizing because I want to. You don't even have to open the door." 

She waited for a few minutes for anything to happen, but all she was greeted with was silence. She laughed quietly as she patted the door before turning around and starting to walk towards the street, but the door opening made her halt.

"You are toxic," He spoke lowly and Rey stared out at the street, not daring to turn around. "You're one of the most toxic fucking individuals I've ever met, and you are baleful."

"I know," Rey whispered as she smiled and Ben sighed as he leaned in the doorway. "That's why I came to apologize."

"...Can you really not feel anything?" Ben asked softly and Rey forced herself to turn around. "Anything at all?"

"I feel something else now than the other three emotions I'm allowed to feel," She took a ponytail holder off her wrist and pulled her hair back, tying it up in a loose ponytail without breaking eye contact with him. She was going to miss those deep, soulful brown eyes. "But you'll never return it, I realize that now. I'm going to leave you alone, Ben. I will go to Snoke myself and--"

"Don't you dare!" Ben snapped without thinking and Rey paused. "I--don't, Rey. Don't go to him, okay? Finn told me everything about him, and I--just don't. Don't go to him."

"You suddenly care about my safety?" She blinked before smiling. "No, wait...you cared about my safety back at the parking garage too, didn't you?"

"No, I--" Ben grit his teeth as his cheeks burned red, Rey chuckling softly as she took off her backpack and unzipped it.

"I made these for you," She pulled out a small plastic container with what looked like cookies inside. "They're homemade lemon meringue cookies, Finn told me that sometimes humans gift other humans with food or trinkets when they feel bad and wish to add to their apology."

"It's not a good tactic," Ben sighed as he walked out and approached her, gently taking the container from her hands. "But I'll take it."

"Don't let any other vampire eat you, okay?" Rey smiled and Ben grumbled in annoyance before nodding. "Goodbye, Ben Solo." She zipped her backpack back up and put it back on. "May you live long and learn happiness."

She began to walk away before he cursed loudly under his breath. "Hang on, hang on," He ran out to her in the street and Rey looked back at him. "Your proposal,"

"What?" Rey blinked and Ben looked away before looking back.

"Your proposal, you never told me what it was."

"The time of the proposal is over, Ben, I--I don't understand? There's no point in it anymore, I'm going to leave you alone. I'm going to give you what you want which is for me to never contact you again." Rey looked genuinely confused and it was messing with his brain.

"Can I still not know what it is--was? Can I still not know what it was?" He cleared his throat and Rey's lips parted as she stared up at him.

"...I was going to give you my blood, Ben," She spoke softly and Ben tensed up with wide eyes. "I was going to give you my blood because it creates the purest euphoric feeling in the entire history of the world. I was going to give you my blood so you could forget your pain just for a short while."

He was stunned into complete silence by her words, unsure of how to respond. All he could do was stare at her, and she slowly smiled.

"But the time of the proposal is over, like I said. You wish me to leave, and so I shall. That is what you want...right?"

"...Yeah," He found himself forcing the word out. "Yeah, I want you to...leave,"

"Then I'm leaving," She reached up and tucked a strand of hair behind his ear, sighing softly as she did so. "Forever."

"Forever..." He echoed and a certain kind of sadness entered her eyes. He recognized that sadness well, and he wondered who she had learned it from. It was the sadness of loss, of mourning, and of regret. It was the same eyes he had had as he stared down at his father in the casket at his funeral.

"I hope I meet you in your next life," She whispered and he felt his heart shatter. He didn't know why it did, but it did. "And I hope I interact with you in the correct way so I don't have to leave."

"Maybe I won't be so broken," He choked out slightly and Rey's expression softened. "And maybe you'll learn how to properly interact with humans."

"That would be lovely, wouldn't it?" She looked down and inhaled deeply before looking back up. "I am really sorry, Ben. For everything."

And then she was gone. Just like that, she was gone again, and he was standing out in the middle of his street with a container of cookies in his hands.

\-----------------------------------------------

_"Dad!" Little five-year-old Ben came running into his father's study, Han laughing as he bent down and picked the boy up. "Dad, dad, look! I made my own doctor's certificate just like the one you have on the wall!" Ben grinned as he shoved the paper in Han's face, Han chuckling as he put Ben down and took it._

_"Oh, would you look at that! You did! What's this little line here with the 'X', kiddo?"_

_"You have to sign it!" Ben grinned and Han grinned back. "I need you to sign it so I can be a doctor too!"_

_"Oh, yeah?" Han went over to his desk, grabbing a pen and quickly signing his name next to the 'X' before walking back over to Ben. He crouched down and handed it to him, Ben gasping excitedly as he hugged it to his chest._

_"Now I'm a real doctor, right?"_

_"Of course you are!" Han ruffled his hair and Ben giggled loudly. "You're going to be an even better doctor than me."_

"Ben," Ben flinched as he was torn away from his memories, his eyes tearing away from his certificate hanging on his wall in his office. "I've got a patient waiting for you up in the upper wing."

"Thank you, Doctor Connix," Ben sighed as he got up from his chair, Kaydel nodding at him with a kind smile. "I'll be there in a minute."

The moment Kaydel left his looked at his doctorate certificate one last time before sighing quietly and leaving his office.

Nothing felt real. Everything felt as if he was dreaming, like he was on autopilot, and he didn't know how to turn it off. There was no switch he could flip, no button to press or lever to pull. This was real life, and the only way to turn off life was by dying.

The hours flew by and soon it was almost dawn, Ben shrugging off his white coat in his office as he got ready to go back home.

"Hi, hi!" Rose chirped as she came in and Ben didn't even react as he grabbed his umbrella. It was raining again, but rain wasn't exactly a surprise in Seattle. "I just wanted to check in on you before you went home!"

"How kind of you," Ben muttered out tiredly and Rose hummed as she began to slowly check out his office. "But I'm fine."

"Oh, yeah, no, totally! I just wanted to make sure you weren't still freaked out by that whole disappearing girl act the other day!"

"She was just on drugs that we couldn't detect," _I have no need to be 'freaked out' anymore, she's completely vanished from my life._ "She probably scaled the building somehow because of said drugs." _She's gone. Rey is...gone._

"Yeah," Rose sighed loudly as she leaned back against his desk, resting her palms on the wood. "You're probably right. You're always right, actually, that's why you're the best!"

His father's words from his memory echoed in his head as soon as she said that, Ben just looking at her with a blank expression before exiting his office.

"Ooh, be careful on the road! The weather report says it's going to rain even harder than last night!" Rose called out behind him but Ben drowned her out simply by just pretending she didn't exist.

The moment he got in his car, he banged his head against the steering wheel and screamed as loud as he could. He focused all of his pain into the scream, squeezing his eyes shut as he let it all out.

"F-FUCK! FUCK, FUCK, _FUCK_! FUCK YOU FOR FUCKING DYING!" As soon as he screamed it, he regretted it, and the tears began to flow. "N-no, I didn't--I didn't mean that, I didn't mean that! I really didn't fucking mean that, shit--shit! Shit, I'm sorry!" He sobbed brokenly as he buried his face in his hands, taking a few deep breaths before pushing his hair back and letting his head fall back against the car seat.

"Dad, I didn't mean that," He breathed shakily as he wiped his eyes, letting his eyes close as he tried to calm himself down. "Y-you--you had no control over it...it's not your fault you were one of the rare few who got heart cancer..."

He sat there for thirty four minutes or so with the car off, taking deep breaths and counting backwards from two thousand. The moment he reached one he turned his car on and backed out, exhaustion hitting him like a freight train as he drove home.

"Maybe I should take a vacation," He muttered as he neared his street thirty minutes later. "Maybe I'll go to California or something, I don't know. Somewhere sunny where it doesn't always fucking rain."

"You don't like the rain?" Ben slammed on the brake pedal as soon as he heard the ancient male voice behind him, Ben looking in his rearview mirror with wide eyes.

The man he saw was barely a man at all, he barely even looked human. He was pale with no hair on his head and piercing blue eyes that seemed to glare into his soul, his face twisted and mangled with heavy scarring as if he had been torn apart and then put back together. He was tall, so much so that he was crouching down so his head wouldn't hit the ceiling, and Ben could tell this man was deathly thin without even looking at his full body.

"W-what--"

"I happen to love the rain," The man smiled as he looked out the window, Ben's hands trembling as he gripped the steering wheel for dear life. "It is like God shedding his tears upon us so we know of his utter disappointment in the human race."

"...You're Snoke, aren't you?" Ben forced out as he turned the car off, his voice barely a whisper, and this shell of a man looked back at him in the mirror.

"I am, yes," He chuckled as he leaned back. "You're very quick, aren't you? That must be why she likes you so much. Did you enjoy my little pet while she was around? Isn't she just the purest delight?"

"I-I'm not in her life anymore, why are you--"

"Oh, but you're still in her thoughts. She's thinking of you right now, actually, and she believes she's in _love_ with you!" Snoke laughed icily and Ben completely froze. "Can you imagine? A vampire feeling such an ugly thing as _love_? Ha! She truly is an enigma, my little Rey is!"

"She can't feel love," Ben whispered yet again and Snoke hummed as he nodded. "Vampires can't feel anything but jealousy, possessiveness, and lust. Why would she--"

_"I feel something else now than the other three emotions I'm allowed to feel, but you'll never return it, I realize that now."_

"Oh, she confessed to you and you didn't even realize? My, my, perhaps you aren't as quick as I thought." Snoke chuckled loudly and Ben glanced down before glancing back up to the mirror. "Such a shame, really. She's going to be so disappointed when she finds out from me that I've killed you. Perhaps that'll put her back in her place, hmm? Perhaps I'll finally be able to stop sending rabids after her to kill her for being so disobedient."

"And you honestly think killing me will fix that? Wow, you are a cunt." Ben scoffed, all fear melting away as he saw no point in being afraid if he was going to die. It's better to go out with a bang, as they say. "No wonder she hates you."

"No, that's the reason she likes you," Snoke hissed as he leaned forward and grabbed a fistful of Ben's hair, yanking his head violently to the side as his eyes grew black. "You're just another prick who hides his pain behind sarcasm and snarky insults!"

"It's my specialty!" Ben bit out before hissing loudly in pain as Snoke jerked his head again. 

"I'm going to enjoy killing you," Snoke hissed as his fangs extended, Ben squeezing his eyes shut as he prepared for his neck to be completely torn out. "And I'm going to throw your corpse at her shitty apartment window!"

"My apartment isn't shitty!" Rey snarled as she tore off Ben's car door, pulling Snoke out and slamming him down onto the ground. "I happen to really like art studios and think they're rather lovely!"

"Rey," Ben breathed out as he scrambled out of the car, Rey not even glancing at him as she glared down at her maker who smirked back up at her. "Rey, what are you--"

"Go inside your house and don't open your door." Rey hissed loudly, her words deafening in the pounding rain. " _Now_!"

"My darling," Snoke cooed up at her and she growled in warning. "You can't kill me, I thought we've been over this a million times?"

"I can still _maim_ you though," Rey stepped on his throat with her converse and Ben breathed shakily as he took step backwards. "I've done it a million times before."

"Or perhaps I could just do to you what I did on the first night we met." Snoke smiled with fangs and Rey's face fell. "Don't you remember, Rey?"

"I-I hate you..." Rey breathed out and Ben could hear the hurt in her voice. Did she truly wish to feel the hurt in that moment, he wondered? "I hate you so fucking much and I will _never_ come back to you...!"

"But you will," Snoke slid a hand up her calf and she instantly jerked back, stumbling away from him as she hugged herself tightly. "You will, I'll make sure of it."

"B-Ben, please go inside..." Rey whispered as she looked back at him, and the expression on her face made his heart shatter for the second time that night. Pain. Mimicked pain that she perhaps learned from herself from when she was human. "Go inside, please. Please."

"Rey..." Ben reached out to her but she quickly shook her head, her wet ponytail moving with her movements. He hesitated before turning and running, almost slipping on the slick street before running up to his door and unlocking it. He looked at her one last time before unlocking his door and running inside.

He couldn't hear her screams as she fought her maker, the rain and thunder being too loud, but he could practically _feel_ them.

She suddenly appeared in his living room, collapsing onto him as the cuts on her chest bled onto him. He instantly caught her and began to panic, but all she did was smile up at him.

"I protected you," She whispered weakly and Ben couldn't stop the tears from springing to his eyes. "You're okay, see? You're...you're okay..."

"B-but you're fucking not!" Ben shot out and Rey laughed quietly as the wounds on her chest began to heal.

"I am now," She gently pulled him down and pressed her lips against his, her cold, wet hand caressing his cheek as she did so. "I'm sorry." She went limp in his arms and he stood in shock for a moment from everything that had just happened before scooping her up and running to her to his bedroom.

He had a feeling she couldn't leave now even if she wanted to, and he wasn't sure anymore that he wanted her to.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Trigger warning for talk of a past suicide attempt)  
> So, their relationship is very flippy floppy like right now. It's extremely confusing to Ben, and Rey doesn't exactly know how to go about the way she's feeling as affection is an incredibly foreign feeling to her. It's like one moment he doesn't want her, the next he does, and it's all just one big mess right now.

When Rey awoke, it was to Ben's face right beside her. He was fast asleep, his chest rising and falling steadily as his heartbeat echoed in her ears.

She reached out and touched his face, running her thumb up and down his jaw affectionately as a smile slowly crept up on her lips. Ben sleeping had to be her new favorite thing because the man looked so at peace, as if nothing in the world was bothering him. There was no pain etched in his face, no sadness nor infinite misery. There was just the blissful serenity of slumber.

She was surprised Snoke had even come out so close to dawn, the sun nearly up when he had vanished. She was certain she had seen his skin sizzling before he vanished, and she wished she could've kept him there longer to watch him burn.

"Hey," She whispered and Ben's eyes fluttered open after a moment, brown meeting vivid hazel. "Good morning."

"Mmn, more like good afternoon," His voice was rough with sleep and the sound of it instantly went between her thighs. "You're okay?"

"Hungry," She whispered as she pulled her hand back, flipping over on her back and staring up at the ceiling. "But that's not exactly anything new, you know?"

"Rey...what did he do to you?" Ben whispered and Rey stayed silent as she continued to stare up at the ceiling. "Rey--"

"Are you hungry?" She cut him off and he scowled at her ignoring his question. She had invaded his mind numerous times, he thought it only fair that she tells him at least one thing about her obviously traumatic past. "You want pancakes?"

"No, Rey, I don't want--"

"Cereal?" She scrunched her nose up and Ben flipped over on his stomach and buried his face in his pillow as he groaned loudly. "Why on earth would you want cereal when I could make you pancakes?"

"I happen to like honey nut cheerios," He muttered angrily into his pillow and Rey hummed softly as she flipped back on her side facing him. "You really gonna shit on me for liking cereal?"

"No, I won't." She raked her fingers through his hair and he instantly relaxed, a softer groan escaping his lips this time as she hummed quietly. "Thank you...for letting me stay."

"How could I not let you stay after all of that?" He turned his head towards her and she scooted closer to him. "That's the second time you've saved me, by the way."

"It's the third for me," Rey smiled and Ben huffed quietly as he closed his eyes. "I need to save you one last time so we can finally be even."

"No one is saving anyone again," Ben murmured and Rey continued to smile. "I don't ever want that shit to--wait." He suddenly bolted up. "You _ripped_ off my car door last night!"

"And you kind of left it in the middle of the street, yeah," Rey sat up and Ben buried his face in his hands as he let out a muffled shout of aggravation. "I can fix it, don't worry! But...it's probably been towed or something..."

"Great! Great, my fucking car is gone--"

"I can get you a new one, okay?" Rey put her hand on his arm and Ben looked over at her as he put his hands down. "I could actually get you any car you want, really. There are some pretty good perks to being a vampire, actually--"

"Besides being completely emotionless?" Ben deadpanned and Rey's face fell slightly. _Shit._ "Rey--"

"It sucks," Rey hugged her knees to her chest as she looked down and away. "It sucks not being able to feel what humans feel. But...recently...I've started feeling this burning in my chest when you're around. It's like...acidic, but in a good way? I had to use a dictionary to look it up and...it's called 'affection'. I am...affectionate towards you," Rey looked back over at him and Ben sighed as he looked down. "But I know you don't feel the same, and I'm _so_ sorry I kissed you last night. I just wanted to know what it was like at least once..."

"...It's okay," Ben reached out and gently rubbed her back. "You were delirious, you had experienced blood loss--"

"Ha!" She snorted as she shook her head. "Even you know that isn't true, why are you lying to yourself? Why are you giving me a false diagnosis?"

"Rey, you don't know me--"

"I think you forget that I can look inside of your mind any time I wish." She narrowed her eyes angrily and he paused. "...Your favorite color is red because it was the color of your room as a child, your father had painted it."

"Rey, quit it--"

"Your favorite food are cinnamon twists even though you refuse to eat them because you used to make them every Saturday morning with your mum and dad,"

"S-stop--"

"And you blame yourself for your father's death because you didn't see the symptoms soon enough, you feel like you could've--"

"I said _stop_!" Ben practically shouted and Rey looked away with an angry expression. "Jesus, what is wrong with you?!"

"...You couldn't have done anything, Ben," Rey whispered and Ben's expression hardened. "You really couldn't have. It wasn't your fault he died, and you need to stop blaming yourself and--do you understand that I'm trying not to be insensitive? That I'm telling the truth?"

"The truth is bitter--"

"And it hurts," She looked back over at him, putting her legs down and scooting closer to him. "But sometimes the truth is what you need to hear, and it sounds like you've needed to hear it for a long time."

"I have been living harsh truth for five years, like I said, you don't know me." Ben spoke in an icy tone and Rey leaned closer. 

"I would like to," She whispered and Ben tensed up. "If you will let me."

"Just stay the fuck out of my head." Ben got off the bed and went into his bathroom, slamming the door behind him. She heard the shower running after a moment and got up, going to the kitchen to see Millicent sitting on the kitchen counter.

"Oh, hi, baby!" Rey gasped as she picked her up and cradled her, gently bouncing her like a mother would do to an infant. "Have you eaten yet, my love? Are you hungry? Let's feed you, yes?" Rey cooed out in a baby voice and Millicent instantly began to purr loudly, Rey chuckling softly as she walked over to where Ben had set up her food bowl.

She put Millicent down and filled her half-empty bowl to the top, getting her fresh water before letting her out (carefully avoiding the sun as she did so and she thanked God that Ben's one story condo was naturally dark) to go do her business.

She let the tabby back in after she heard scratching on the door, putting out a bowl, the milk, and the box of cereal out as well as a spoon on the kitchen counter before sighing and leaning against the counter.

She had slept for multiple hours in the past two days, and she was certain that she wouldn't need to sleep for a good year because of that. She didn't like sleeping anyways, there was always a fifty-fifty chance that she would 'dream' of memories she'd rather forget.

Vampires couldn't dream, she learned this exceptionally early on. When they did sleep, they were 'lucky' enough to get memories. But almost all of Rey's memories were terrible, and each time she woke up she wished she could just feel... _something_. Anything. Anything at all.

"...You okay?" Ben came into the kitchen with only sweatpants on and a towel around his neck, his hair still damp. 

"Would you really like the emotionless vampire to answer that?" Rey laughed dryly and Ben silently walked over to her. "I couldn't tell you I'm 'okay' because I don't even remember what 'okay' feels like. Vampirism just erases every single memory of emotion the moment you turn, so I couldn't tell you if I'm 'okay'."

"Can you please tell me your story with him--"

"Eat." She cut him off before seemingly vanishing from the kitchen, Ben hearing her crawl under the covers in the bedroom.

"Rey, it's starting to get really annoying that you're completely ignoring me trying to connect with you!" Ben called out and he heard the covers shift. 

"There is no point in telling you," She was suddenly beside him, Ben not even flinching as he poured the cereal into the bowl. "We are maintaining an acquaintanceship, is that not correct? We are not friends, and we are not lovers. We are simply just two individuals who keep saving each other from death." 

"Jesus," He muttered as he uncapped the milk. "You really do just tell the truth how it is, don't you?"

"Why should I lie?" Rey shrugged as she looked away. "You'll never feel the same as me, this burning feeling in my chest is...unrequited."

"You honestly think you're in love with me? After three days?" Ben arched a brow before taking a bite of his cereal, Rey glancing over at him with sadness in her eyes. Ben scoffed loudly after swallowing before dropping the spoon into the bowl. "God, you are so _fucking_ good at that, you know that? It genuinely looks like you're heartbroken. How many innocent humans have you roped in with that one singular look?"

"None," The emotion drained from her face and he could only stare at her as she showed what her true face was. There was nothing there, it was as if he was staring at a statue. "I do not lie to my food, that would be cruel."

She suddenly paused before leaning closer over to him. "The only people I eat are ones who are already begging for death, you know that? I _never_ take the lives of the happy or innocent, I only take the ones filled with pain, misery, and neverending suffering." She slammed her hands down on the kitchen island, her irises turning black as she glared at him and Ben flinched visibly. "I give them _peace_ , so you don't you dare ever tell me I kill those who are innocent!"

"Even the ones in pain can be innocent," Ben's voice was deadly quiet, his eyes wide as he let out a shuddering breath. "They're usually the most innocent because all they want is for things to go back the way they were before everything began to hurt."

She jerked away from him with a shocked expression, a short gasp escaping her lips as she looked him up and down. "...Perhaps I truly am a monster," She looked down with widened eyes, and he could see the horror within them. "Perhaps I'm no better than Snoke when it boils down to it."

"I have a feeling that you're not even close to being as demented and twisted as whatever creature Snoke is," Ben picked up his spoon and slowly stirred his cereal, looking down into the bowl as he did so. "But you're not exactly the most moral person I know, Rey."

"...I should leave." Rey suddenly felt cornered, a strange sensation that was completely foreign to her, and all she wanted to do was go back home and hide in her closet like she used to do as a child. 

"Hang on, wait, it's daylight--"

"It's fine, I really don't care if I get a sunburn. I know when I'm not wanted." She turned to leave but he quickly grabbed her wrist, Rey letting out a small gasp at the feeling of his warm skin. How long had it been since she'd felt warmth in such a way? Years, it must've been years.

"Rey, I'm--Rey," Ben seemed like he was having trouble finding the right words to say, his brows furrowed and his face etched with heavy frustration. "Rey, I wasn't--"

"Wasn't what? Telling me the truth?" Rey narrowed her eyes and Ben clenched his jaw. "Ben, I'm not hurt that you're telling me the truth, but I really don't see a point in staying here if you won't return my feelings--"

"I don't _know_ you, Rey! How the fuck can I return your feelings if I don't even fucking know you?!" Ben spat and Rey paused, her eyes flicking away in thought.

"...Would you like me to offer my proposal again, Ben?" Her eyes flicked back to him and he immediately dropped her wrist as if her very skin had burned him. "If you had me within you, in your very veins, you would know me like no other human has."

"Y-you...you want me to..." His mouth ran dry as he took a step backwards, his tongue suddenly feeling like sandpaper and his throat felt as if it was coated in sawdust. He wanted to gag. 

"Yes," She spoke softly as she walked closer to him, sliding her hands up her bare chest as she stared up at him with those all-knowing eyes. "I do." She reached up and touched his cheek, Ben completely still as he stared down at her. "Just you, only you."

"But you...you said it creates...a euphoric..." His was getting quieter with each pause, Ben eventually trailing off as she pressed herself against him.

"It does," She purred out as her fangs extended, Rey standing on her tiptoes and ghosting her cold breath on his neck. "It can't even be described in any earthly language."

"I can't," Ben snapped back to reality as he grabbed her shoulders gently, pulling her back. "I can't, you wouldn't understand. I'm two years clean, Rey, I can't do anything that would create the same feeling as Oxy."

She looked taken aback for a moment before a look of understanding came over her. "You're afraid you'll relapse, that you'll lose your sobriety...and that you'll actually kill yourself this time, aren't you?" 

Ben harshly shoved her back with a hurt expression and Rey only looked at him like she was assessing him, like he was a cell under a microscope. "The reason you got clean was because your mother found you collapsed in your bedroom here with barely a heartbeat, a nearly empty bottle of Oxy, and three empty bottles of Jack. You were nearly dead when she took you to the hospital--"

"Rey!" He grabbed her face as tears pricked his eyes, his hands trembling as he let out a choked noise of pain. "S-stop, please! Please stop looking at the most painful memories I have! I-I'm fucking _begging_ you!"

"Then give them," She hissed out as her fangs glistened in the kitchen light. "To _me_." 

He kissed her then, and he wasn't exactly sure why. He felt like something pushed him to do it, like some unseen force kept drawing them together, and it could only be stopped by giving it what it wanted. 

She instantly kissed back, jumping into his arms and he quickly caught her by holding her up by her ass. She mewled loudly into the kiss, tangling her hands in his damp hair as she pressed her body closer against his.

"You're dangerous," He pulled back for air and Rey only giggled maniacally as she snapped her jaws at him like an excited predator, her teeth clacking together as she did. "You're so fucking dangerous..."

"But I won't ever be a danger to you," She cooed and Ben felt fear swell in his chest. "I won't ever hurt you unless you ask me to."

"I-I don't--"

"But I need to leave so you can think," She gently rubbed their noses together while she smiled. "Because I can smell your conflict and I don't want you to feel forced to do anything just by me being here."

And she was gone yet again. 

\-----------------------------------------------

"H-hey, Phasma?" Ben was pacing his living room on his phone an hour later, the only emotion coursing through him sheer panic.

" _Benny, you okay? Did something happen?_ " She sounded beyond concerned and Ben swallowed the lump in his throat. 

"I-I--I, uh, um...I'm just having a really hard time, I can't--"

" _I'm on my way, okay? Just sit down, count backwards from two thousand, and I'll be there before you know it, alright? Deep breaths, Ben. Take deep breaths._ "

"I-I'm so fucking scared, Gwen..." Ben choked out a sob as he sat on his couch, the man only calling his sponsor by her real name in serious situations. "Something happened to me...and it just--it won't stop! It won't stop, it won't stop..." He was so close to breaking down, so close to giving in to giving into the breathing monster that is addiction. 

" _I'm getting in my car, Ben. You're gonna be okay, okay? Please, please don't do anything._ "

He quickly hung up the phone and threw it on the ground, hyperventilating as he laid down and squeezed his eyes shut. "R-Rey...make it stop... _please_..."

"All you had to do was ask," She whispered as he felt her weight on top of her, and he felt her lips press against his. He cupped the back of her neck as he pulled her closer, furrowing his brows as he felt a liquid enter his mouth. "All you ever had to do was ask, and I'll now give you everything you've ever wanted."

And then he felt bliss as he swallowed.

" _Rey_."


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Annnnddddd smut

He was floating.

The funny thing about feeling like you're floating is that you never know exactly when it's going to stop, when you're going to come down. You could be floating for hours upon hours, or only a few seconds. You can't control it, no matter how hard you try, and so you are stuck in this airy bliss until it decides to stop on its own. It can be torture, or it can be pleasure.

For Ben, it was both.

" _Rey_." His own voice sounded foreign in his ears, distant like he was standing at the bottom of a well and the vibration of his voice was echoing and bouncing off the stone walls. " _Rey_..." He was trapped in this metaphorical well, staring up at her face as she looked down upon him through the top that seemed so incredibly small from where he was at the bottom.

"I know," He felt instant relief as she spoke, Ben closing his eyes with a smile as he tried not to cry. "It's overwhelming, I know. I know."

He was swimming in her voice, floating along the dark, black waves as he slowly let himself sink into the darkness.

_Maybe...this is okay...maybe I'm not weak for giving in. Maybe I'll be fine after this, after her...or maybe I'll never be the same again and I'll completely lose myself in this feeling._

Rey stared down at him with an unreadable expression as she read his thoughts, his body slowly relaxing as he entered the stage of blissful euphoria that only her blood could give. He felt different now, there was no pain anymore. No agony, no suffering, no internal screaming and sobbing in the back of his mind. 

There was no constant apologizing to his father in the back of his mind as well.

"Oh, Ben," Rey sighed as she pressed her forehead against his, holding his face in her hands as she closed her eyes. "It feels so good to see you like this...and that's the final icing on the cake, isn't it? For me to know that I actually care about you? At first I only wanted you for your pain, for your beautiful excruciation, but now...now, seeing you like this...I think I'm realizing that all I want is to see you okay. To see you happy."

"Mmn..." Ben breathed out and Rey pulled back as she heard a car pull into his driveway, the brunette slowly getting off of him and going towards the door.

It was the blonde from the diner yesterday, she didn't have to look to know that. Her scent was very distinct with hints of utter sadness, heartbreak of years past, and yet there was an underlying optimism that instantly turned Rey's appetite off. Optimism tasted sweet, and Rey preferred the bitterness of pessimism. In Finn's words, it was like how some humans preferred warheads over gummy bears.

Before Phasma could even knock Rey opened the door, the brunette staring up at her with a small smile. "You're Phasma, yeah?"

Phasma blinked and opened her mouth to speak but quickly shut it, Rey's skin tingling from the sunlight streaming in. She was going to have one hell of a sunburn after this. "I'm Ben's friend, Rey! I came over about five minutes ago to bring him some cookies, I bake them myself, and he let me in but...he just fell asleep." Rey sighed and Phasma frowned slightly.

"Oh, he did...? You look a little young to be hanging out with a thirty-year-old, don't you think?" Phasma looked her up and down and Rey simply shrugged. 

"We're just friends, nothing more. I live a couple blocks away and we met on a walk not that long ago, all I do is make food for him. Is that a problem...?"

"Ah, no, I'm sorry," Phasma sighed as she offered a kind smile. "I shouldn't have assumed, my apologies. I'm sure you're a very nice girl and that your cooking is great, but can you just wake him up for me?"

_Get the fuck out of here right now or so help me God, I will not care if I have to kill an innocent in this one circumstance._ "That'd be a little rude, don't you think?" Rey frowned and Phasma paused. "He told me he really needed to sleep, that he's barely been sleeping and he finally got tired enough to be able to go to bed. I really don't want to wake him, I know how hard it is to be able to sleep sometimes."

"Oh?"

"Mhm, I'm an insomniac, and a pretty bad one at that, too. Sometimes I don't sleep for a few days at a time, and it can really mess with your brain, you know? It can really warp your perception of things and make your life a living hell." _I will rip your throat out and feed it to the cat if you don't get back in your car this instant. He's mine, not yours, and he's happy with me. He doesn't need you anymore._

"Oh, I'm very sorry to hear that, Rey." Phasma attempted to poke her head in but Rey quickly stepped in her way, Phasma pulling back with a shocked expression. "Excuse me--"

"You wouldn't be a good friend if you woke him up, now would you?" Rey smiled again but there was ill intent laying beneath, like a viper waiting to strike at any moment. "It'd be really _shitty_ if you did that, huh?"

"Who exactly do you think you are--"

"Someone who knows so much more than you ever will." Rey slammed the door in her face and silently screamed, tugging at her hair as she squeezed her eyes shut.

_Feel something, Rey. Anything. Feel anything besides possessiveness and jealousy in this moment. Feel anger, feel rage. Feel sadness. Feel something._

But she felt nothing besides the two out of three emotions she was allowed, and she let herself fall to the ground before hugging her knees to her chest and staring at the door. She continued to sit there long after Phasma had left, her skin tinted red from the brief exposure of the sun and she welcomed the tingling pain greatly.

"Rey..." Ben whispered and Rey silently looked over at the couch at him, his eyes half lidded as he looked at her. "Come here..."

Rey was quickly beside him, curling up next to him on the large couch as she buried her face in his chest. "Hey...hey, you're fine..." He slurred slightly and Rey clutched his shirt in his hand, the two emotions slowly fading as she closed her eyes. "I need to call her later, huh...?"

"No," Rey spoke quietly. "No, you have me. You have me, I'm enough."

"S'not how humans work," He murmured and Rey looked up at him. "Toxic. That's toxic..."

"Is it?" Rey asked quietly and he hummed in response as he closed his eyes. "Is that not how relationships work? I thought...I thought when two people got together, all they needed was each other? That all they had was each other, that no one else was needed?"

"How have you--" He cut himself off to laugh quietly, raking a hand through his hair with his eyes still closed. "How have you gone this long without learning any of these things? Do you not watch movies?"

"Movies are not real life," She snuggled closer to him, resting her head on his chest as she listened to his heartbeat. "This is what Finn says. Finn says movies are not real life and should not be taken seriously."

"He's both right and wrong," Ben slowly wrapped an arm around her, sighing quietly in relief at her cold skin. He felt like he was burning, like he was running a fever over a hundred degrees, and her cold skin was like a breath of fresh air. "Just float with me for right now, okay?"

"Float...is this another emotion?" Rey asked and Ben grunted softly in response. He really didn't want to be answering questions right now, this was the most relaxed he'd felt in years. 

"No," He sighed as he forced himself to flip over on his side to face her, opening his eyes as he did so. "It's a sensation."

"A sensation..." Rey echoed as she gently touched his face, her eyes staring into his. "What are other sensations?"

"There are numerous," He stated quietly and Rey silently nodded. "Thousands upon thousands."

"How blessed you are that you can feel them." Rey smiled and Ben wanted more than anything for that smile to be real. Perhaps it was, perhaps she could genuinely smile around him, but he doubted it. It hurt to remember that he was basically laying next to a creature with the face of a human.

"Rey, I..." He trailed off and Rey pressed herself closer against him, her hips pressing into his. 

"Don't be afraid," Rey whispered. "I feel it too." She kissed him softly after saying this, his eyes fluttering closed as he instantly returned it.

_Is this fake...? I can't tell, I can't tell and I'm afraid._

"No," Rey pulled back with a hurt expression. "No, I know it's not fake because my chest is burning. It's burning so much, Ben, and I--I want to cry, but I can't. I should cry, people who are in pain cry."

"Oh, Rey," He pushed her hair back, her hair feeling like the softest silk in his high state. He could play with it for hours. "I can't imagine what it must be like to feel nothing at all."

"I can feel you," Rey kissed him again and Ben melted against her. _And now you can feel me._

He jerked back at her voice in his head but she quickly shushed him, pulling him back to kiss again and he was powerless to stop her. _But I'm not fully ready to let you see my memories yet, okay? My thoughts will have to suffice._

_Can--can I have more...?_ Ben was instantly rewarded with another mouthful of blood as she bit her tongue, Ben moaning loudly as he tangled his hand in her hair. 

_I shouldn't have even given you that, but I can't deny you. I can't ever deny you, I won't ever deny you._ She was suddenly on top of him, her hips rolling against his quickly in a savage like manner.

He grabbed her hips and growled quietly as she bit his lower lip harshly, a demented giggle escaping her lips as her fangs extended and irises turned black.

"Are we playing now?" She hissed out and Ben growled again as he tugged her shirt off, sitting up with her in his lap and trailing rough kisses down her neck to her collarbone as she laughed loudly while throwing her head back. "Yes, we are, aren't we?"

"Shut the _fuck_ up and let me enjoy this," He tangled a hand in her hair and yanked her head back further, Rey letting out a loud hiss in pained pleasure. "And if you bite me, I'll rip your fangs out with pliers."

"Is that a promise?"

"Most certainly," He smirked and she grinned. "I don't break promises, unlike you."

"I couldn't keep myself away from you--"

"Oh, but you tried, didn't you?" He didn't know where this surge of energy was coming from, how the floating sensation had vanished and all he was left with rage. Rage, rage, fucking _rage_. "You just couldn't let him kill me because you want to do it yourself, isn't that right?"

"Yes and no," She purred as he ripped off her bra, cupping her breasts in his hands as she looked down at him. "I want to kill you but only mortally." She traced his jawline with her index finger as she smirked, Ben snarling angrily before grabbing her face and kissing her roughly.

He quickly kicked off his sweatpants and she tore off her skirt and underwear, sliding down onto his cock roughly with a loud gasp as she threw her head back once more. Their hips moved in quick unison, both of them growling and snarling like animals in heat.

"You're fucking demented," He hissed out and Rey slammed down onto him, Ben crying out loudly as he held onto her bruisingly tight. "Y-you're _fucked_ \--"

"No, we're both being fucked," She pressed her thighs closer against his sides, her hands tangled in his hair as she pressed their foreheads together. "We're fucking each other right now, aren't we? Is this not what the saying means?"

"You're too smug," He pulled out and flipped her over on her back, grabbing her by the throat and pushing her down harshly into the couch as he slammed back into her. She screamed at this and her cunt clenched around him immensely, Ben cursing loudly as she came. "Oh, _fuck_ \--Jesus Christ, okay--"

"D-don't stop, don't stop, don't stop!" Rey cried out as she grabbed his wrist and pushed his hand harder against her throat, Ben growling as he tightened his hand around her throat and pounded into her relentlessly. She was screaming his name as loud as she possibly could, her eyes squeezed shut and her fangs longer than usual as she met his hips each and every time.

"You didn't tell me you were a masochist," He ground out as his head began to get swimmy, his hips speeding up as he felt himself growing close. "Y-you didn't--f-fuck--"

She was suddenly on top of him again, Ben flat on his back with his hand still on her throat. She grabbed his wrist and pulled it away from her throat, Rey pinning both of his wrists down against the couch as she slammed down on him repeatedly.

"And so are you," She dug her nails painfully into his wrists and he came screaming, Rey screaming as well as she threw her head back and came a second time. She spasmed violently as she felt him spurt heat within her, her body twitching violently as she screamed again up at the ceiling with wide eyes, her nails sinking deeper into wrists to which he cried out and jerked his head forward.

"W-we...both are..." She panted as she shuddered after calming down and Ben's head fell back against the couch, the man panting heavily as he squeezed his eyes shut and gasped for air.

"Sh-shit...shit...shit, shit, shit..." Ben breathed shakily and Rey let go of his wrists as she collapsed on top of him with him still inside of her. "Shit, Rey, shit...shit..."

"This is why," She shivered as she closed her eyes. "I didn't want to give you more...it increases the emotion that you need to express the most if given too much...and for you, that's anger." She went limp against him and he tiredly wrapped his arms around her, holding her against as them as they both slowly fell into the blissful afterglow of sex.

She rolled her hips slowly and he groaned loudly as he opened his eyes, Rey pulling up and kissing him softly. 

"Sleep," She whispered and his eyes closed again. "I'll be here when you wake up, don't worry, but you need to sleep."

"Mhm..." He sighed quietly and she kissed his jaw before sliding up and off of him, Ben groaning again at the action.

She felt his seed slide down her thighs as she got off the couch and stood up, Rey humming happily to herself as she walked to the bathroom in his bedroom. She turned on the shower and Ben fell asleep to the sound of running water.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is _dark_. Trigger warning for mention of drugs, and a very, very, _very_ heartbreaking situation.  
> Also Ben finally admits he cares about Rey to both himself and to Rey.
> 
> Edit: Oh, shoot, I forgot I made moodboards for this fic! Here they are: https://drownedoutstars.tumblr.com/post/616727224808325120/baleful-excruciation-drownedoutstars-star-wars

Ben slowly awoke around three in the afternoon to the sound of someone rustling within the kitchen, his eyes slowly opening as he groaned softly.

His head felt incredibly swimmy, as if he was floating in the ocean, but everything else _hurt_. His wrists were stinging like hell, like something had--

 _Rey_. 

He had fucked Rey after _drinking_ her _blood_.

"Hey," She was suddenly straddling him, the brunette still nude as she smiled down at him. "Welcome back to the land of the living, Ben! Well, you were only asleep for an hour or so, but that saying is still acceptable here, is it not?" She smiled wider and Ben only stared up at her before harshly shoving her off of him.

Rey yelped as she fell onto the ground, Ben sitting up as he buried his face in his hands while inhaling shakily. 

"We had sex," He stated bluntly and Rey frowned as she sat on the floor. "We had sex and you gave me your blood. You _drugged_ \--"

"Hey, no..." She suddenly looked deflated as he looked over at her, the vampire looking genuinely hurt. "No, you asked me to! I would have never if you didn't ask me--"

"You gave your blood to a recovering addict!" He barked and she flinched slightly as she looked down and away with a guilty expression. "And you _fucked_ me!"

"You were just as into it as I was, Ben," Rey whispered lowly as she looked back at him. "Don't lie and tell me you weren't."

"...This is fucked," Ben laughed bitterly as he pushed his hair back. "This is so fucked! Wow, yeah, I fucked a vampire _and_ I relapsed without even taking any drugs thanks to your blood! Great, Rey, thank you for--"

"You're welcome." Rey smiled as she tilted her head to the side and he clenched his jaw as he glared at her.

"I was being _facetious_ ," He hissed out and she instantly frowned. "I'm not actually thanking you for anything."

"But...we had fun, didn't we? You enjoyed the sex?"

"Yes, but--"

"So, what's the problem? I'm not understanding..." Rey shoulders slumped and Ben sighed loudly as he realized he would have to explain this to her like one would to a young child. He got off of the couch and kneeled in front of her, taking her hands in his and looking her directly in the eyes.

"I am a recovering drug addict and alcoholic," He stated and Rey nodded. "And while I did ask for your blood, you shouldn't have given it to me."

"But you asked--"

"Yes, but--okay," He sucked in his breath loudly as he tried not to get frustrated. "I'm going to say it again; I am a recovering drug addict and alcoholic. Your blood has drug like effects, right? It made me feel incredibly euphoric and increased my...anger, right?" 

"Yes," She nodded once again. "Yes, you are correct, but I am still not seeing the problem?"

"How?" He scowled and Rey hummed as she looked up at the ceiling in thought. "How are you _not_ seeing the problem in this?"

"Because you asked me," Rey looked back down at him with confusion in her eyes. "Not just verbally, but mentally. I helped you, Ben, and now we're bonded. For life."

Ben wanted to faint at her words, the man instantly dropping her hands with wide eyes. He had completely forgotten about that.

"Would you like me to leave, Ben?" Rey asked softly and all he could do was stare at her. "Would you like to be alone with yourself and your thoughts? Would you like to keep lying to yourself, telling yourself that eventually everything will be fine? That you'll be happy eventually, that the nightmares and cravings of addiction will abruptly end one day?"

"What are you talking abou--"

"Or would you like to finally admit that I'm the only thing that can save you?" Her eyes were staring directly into his, that mask of emotions completely gone. Empty, she was. Hollow. "Would you like to admit that I'm the only one who can make that dream of happiness come true?"

"You're _sick_ \--"

"I'm honest," She quickly stood up and grabbed her clothes off of the ground. She seemed almost...irritated. He couldn't tell if it was real or not, he never could. "And honesty hurts."

"You honestly think you're my own personal God now? You really think that--"

"I am your God," She stared down at him with those unfeeling eyes. "And you should learn how to start praying to me before it's too late, before you completely lose yourself in the smothering abyss of loss." She began to get dressed and he looked down with an angered expression.

"God isn't real," He ground out and she tilted his chin up so he could meet her gaze.

"I'm real," She whispered and he tensed up. "And I'll actually listen to your prayers."

And she was gone yet again. Like she always did, like she always would.

He cursed loudly as he stood up, running a hand through his hair before grabbing his sweatpants off the floor and hastily putting them on. He needed to call Phasma, he needed to apologize for Rey's actions, and he needed to put a fucking cross on his door or something. Did crosses actually work on vampires? He didn't know, but he'd do it just for good measure.

And what the fuck had she meant by 'before it was too late'? God, she was a pretentious little thing, and he had no idea why he even asked for her blood in the first place. 

_Because you're an addict_ , a tiny, venomous voice supplied the answer in the back of his mind. _And now, instead of substances, you're addicted to her. You've become an adrenaline junkie for danger._

"I have not," He muttered as he grabbed his phone off of the floor, instantly turning it on and pressing Phasma's contact. "I haven't, not even close."

The phone rang for a few moments before it went to voicemail, Ben instantly getting a text from the blonde.

_Phasma: Hey, you okay? I'm in the middle of something majorly important, but if you absolutely need to talk to me on the phone, I can step away._

Ben sighed loudly before texting back.

_Me: No, it's fine. I just wanted to apologize for Rey, she told me how she interacted with you, and I wanted to apologize._

The text came back lightning fast, Phasma always having been a fast texter.

_Phasma: Oh, yeah! Yeah, she seems...a little much. No offense. But I don't blame you, I know you were asleep. I'll call you in a couple hours, okay?_

_Me: Take your time, I'm not in immediate danger or anything._

He sighed loudly as he walked to his room, putting his phone down on the bed before going into his bathroom to shower.

\---------------------------------------------------------

He didn't know why he had come here, but here he was, standing in front of the St. James Cathedral with his hands shoved in his leather jacket and a cigarette hanging from his lips.

He normally never smoked, but in times of high stress he couldn't help but light one up and let the nicotine soothe his nerves. After all, he had been through _tremendous_ stress the last few days, and he thought he, at least, deserved one.

He took one last drag before flicking the cigarette on the ground and crushing it with his shoe, inhaling sharply before walking up the steps and entering the looming building of prayer.

Ben had never been religious, it just wasn't in his code. His parents certainly weren't religious, his father and mother never having said grace at the table even once, and he had never even stepped foot in a church in his life.

They always talked about a 'higher power' at AA meetings, even mentioned 'God as you understand Him', but he had never really participated in that. How could God possibly be real if God had let his father die? How could a God, a loving and gracious one, rip away family members under highly tragic circumstances?

In Ben's mind, the answer was simple; a God wouldn't do that. And, so, he didn't believe in God.

But Rey's _words_. Rey's haunting words, telling him that she was his God and that she actually listened...he needed to at least try to find God, maybe attempt to talk to Him, because he didn't want her to be his God. He didn't want to pray to her for _anything_.

He walked down the long checkered hallway before sliding into one of the wooden pews, looking around to find himself completely alone.

 _Right, well, it is five in the evening on a Friday. I would assume that no one would be here._ He sighed loudly as he slumped down slightly, letting his head fall back as he closed his eyes. He didn't exactly know how to go about this in the first place. Does he talk out loud? Does he say everything mentally? What the hell was he supposed to do here?

"How do I--ugh, fuck," He grit out as he opened his eyes, pulling his head back up as he inhaled deeply. "How the hell am I supposed to talk to you? What am I supposed to say 'Hi, God, it's me, Ben Solo, how's my dad? Since, you know, you ripped him away from me'?" He paused for a moment before laughing bitterly and hanging his head.

So many questions whirled around in his mind, flashes of memories past, and all he could focus on was the anger. The anger of loss, of desperation. Loss is a monster, one who takes and takes all it can in its claws. There's no way to run from it, you can't just dive under the covers and hide from it like a frightened child.

Anger, so much anger. The tantalizing hatred of spite, the taste of it metallic and harsh on the tip of his tongue. Inhaling red, exhaling black, and bitterly laughing out burgundy. 

"Do you enjoy it, is that it? Do you enjoy watching people suffer, watching them lose people they love? Is it all just this one, big sick game to you? This is the most fucked game of Monopoly I've ever played, then, and the amount of times you have put me in emotional jail is _explicit_. You don't even care, you never _fucking_ cared, and you're just like--"

 _Say it, Ben_ , that same voice from earlier whispered. _Say it._

"A-and you're just like _her_!" Ben's voice cracked as he squeezed his eyes shut, his hands gripping his thighs tightly as he felt himself began to spiral. "Emotionless! Y-you're emotionless, you're--you're _baleful_!" He spat angrily and he suddenly heard someone curse loudly by the front door, his head whipping towards the sound with wide eyes.

There was Rey pacing back and forth like a caged animal, her eyes furious as she glared at him. "A church?! Out of all the places you decided to go to, you went to a _church_?!"

_Well, that puts the nail in the coffin for crosses. She can't even come into a church, I'm sure she'd lose her shit if I put a cross on my door--_

"A cross on your door?! What is _wrong_ with you?!" Rey snarled and Ben slowly stood up as he narrowed his eyes.

"I was trying to find God--"

"Oh! Oh, well, did you find Him, Ben?!" Rey snapped viciously in a sharp tone and Ben turned towards her as he put his hands in his jacket pockets. 

"No," He ground out roughly and Rey tried to step in, only to curse again and stomp her foot in frustration. It was almost entertaining to see her try to come into a holy place, actually. "I didn't, but I guess I now know that I can come here to escape you."

"Why?! Why do you want to escape me, Ben, when all I've tried to do is help you?! I've saved your life twice, I made the pain go away--"

"You _drugged_ me--"

"STOP SAYING THAT!" Rey screamed as her fangs extended, her black eyes concealed by sunglasses. "You _asked_ me to, Ben, and I cannot deny you!" She paused for a moment before standing completely still and looking at him with a pleading look.

"Do you know how torturous it is to stand here and not be able to go to you, to only see you from afar? Do you understand that I only wish to help, that I wish to see you happy, and that I know that I'm the only one who can provide said happiness for you at this point? Do you get that, Ben? Can you-- _can you just come here_?!" She stomped her foot again and he only smirked as he took a step back.

"W-wha--what are you doing?" Her face fell as he took another step back. "Ben--Ben, stop it, what are you doing?!"

"I'm walking backwards," He hummed with the same smirk still. "Have you never walked backwards? It's quite riveting, it's the equivalent of an adrenaline junkie to infants; you're taking a risk by not seeing where you're going."

"Wha-- _Ben_!" She hissed loudly as she clenched her fists tightly by her side. "Stop it! Come here, please!"

"Mmn," He paused as he looked up and to the side at the ceiling with a contemplating expression before he looked back down at her. "No, I don't think I will. I'm kind of starting to really like it in here, the whole Jesus vibe is--"

"BEN!" Rey screamed and Ben pressed his lips together tightly before he sighed and looked away.

"If you really want me, Rey," His tone was low now, an edge of warning to it. "Then you'll come and get me."

Rey growled loudly before taking a step back, ripping off her sunglasses and throwing them on the floor. He knew she couldn't, he knew--

Oh, my God, she was running at him.

Ben cried out as she pounced on him, knocking him to the floor as she grabbed him by the collar of his shirt with a livid expression. "Are you happy now?!"

"I--Rey, your skin is smoking--"

"Of course it is, I'm in a _goddamned church_!" She hissed loudly as steam emitted from underneath her black clothing, the vampire squeezing her eyes shut tightly as she let out a loud choking sound of agony.

"Jesus--Jesus, Rey!" Ben exclaimed loudly before quickly standing up with her in his arms, running down the long hallway and out the doors with panic in his eyes. _Shit, shit, shit! Shit, why did you do that?!_

"Y-you told me to," Rey groaned softly and he quickly stepped into the shadows with her, still holding her tightly against him as he tried to calm himself down. "You're holding me..."

"Yes, I'm--I fucking just saved your life for a fourth time, this is getting beyond annoying!" He bit out and Rey laughed weakly as she rested her head against his chest.

"I need to eat," She whispered and he instantly tensed up with wide eyes. "Like, now. I need to eat now."

"I--shit--" Ben choked out as he felt Rey gently nuzzle his neck. He felt her fangs scrape against his neck and he nearly dropped her, his heart pounding in his chest as he squeezed his eyes shut. 

_Rey--Rey, please don't. Please, please, please don't. Don't bite me, don't bite--_

"I'm not," She whispered and he felt relief flood his system as he relaxed against the stone wall of the cathedral. "You're not ready yet, I already told you I'll never do anything to you that you don't want."

"C-call Finn, or something, I don't care--"

"You obviously do care," She murmured against the skin of his throat. "You could've left me in there to die, you know that? I couldn't have gotten out on my own."

"I..." Ben trailed off as she vanished from his arms, the man cursing loudly as he began to look for her. "Rey! Rey, goddammit, where are--" He cut himself off as he saw her vanish into an alley from across the street, his heart dropping to his stomach as he nearly collapsed.

She was going into that alley to eat whoever was in there, innocent or not. She had to be, she had just told him that she needed to eat now, so he was almost positive that ruled out her 'I only eat the ones who want to die' rule.

He quickly hurried across the street, panic visible in his eyes as his heartbeat pounded in his ears. He hurried down the alley only to halt in his tracks as his eyes widened.

There was Rey crouching down in front of a small child, the vampire quietly hushing her and holding her tiny hands in her gloved ones. 

"My darling, it's okay," Rey spoke softly and the child sniffled loudly as she looked at her with teary eyes and a trembling lower lip. "Where was the last place you saw your mum?"

"H-here! She went in through that door b-but it's been ten minutes!" The child whined and Rey sighed softly as she glanced over at the door. Ben could tell it was a crack den just by looking at it, and his heart broke for the little girl. What type of mother brought their child to such a place? 

"Okay, darling, how about this?" Rey smiled before looking over her shoulder at Ben. Her sunglasses were back on, concealing those black irises of a predator. Had she run back into the church to get them? Or did she just have a spare pair on her? Probably the latter. "Do you see him, my love?"

"Y-yeah," The little girl whimpered and Rey looked back at her. 

"His name is Ben and he's going to wait with you until the very nice men in blue come. Do you have any other family members?"

"M-my--my nonnie," The little girl hiccuped and Rey nodded. "I-I was supposed to be with her today, but mommy picked me up at school instead..."

"Ben, call the nice men in blue while I go see what's happening in there." Rey stood up as she let go of the girl's hands, the little girl wiping her eyes as she hiccuped once more. 

"You--okay," Ben cleared his throat as he pulled his phone out of his pocket and Rey smiled as the little girl ran over to him and clung to his leg. "Okay, yeah. Yeah."

He quickly dialed 911 as Rey disappeared once she opened the door, Ben hurriedly ushering the girl out of the alley. He didn't want her to hear what was going to happen, and he was more than terrified of what Rey was going to even do.

In fifteen minutes the police came and he explained the entire situation to them, and he calmly waited outside of the alley as they searched the den. When they came back out and told him that they had found nothing, he was more than shocked.

The little girl was promptly driven away, Ben hesitating before walking back down the alley and opening the door. 

He nearly screamed when he walked down the long hall and saw the living room walls splattered with blood, Rey sitting in the living room against a body of corpses with a bloodied smile on her lips. "I just made them see nothing, don't worry. I told you being a vampire has its perks."

"Y-you--Rey!" Ben barked and Rey quietly shushed him while putting her index finger to her lips as she winked. Her sunglasses were off, thrown across the room, and he wondered if it was a normal, daily habit for her to just throw random pairs of sunglasses in random places.

"How could you do this, you used your goddamn mind tricks on the _police_ \--"

"She was planning on selling her child for heroin, Ben," Rey's eyes darkened and Ben tensed up as his face fell in horror. "I came over here because I heard a little girl crying softly, and when I got to here, I heard her mother conversing inside with these five men. Would you like to know how much that little girl was worth to this woman? How much her own daughter was worth to her?" 

Rey picked up the woman's severed hand, looking down at it with a bitter hatred. "Three dime bags," Rey whispered. "Three dime bags of heroin for one innocent, little human girl."

"You...saved her," Ben was more than shocked, the man slowly walking over to her and kneeling down in front of her. He was horrified by the fact the he was kneeling in a pool of blood, but all he could think about was how Rey had saved an innocent child. "Why...?"

"What do you mean 'why'?"

"You're not supposed to feel anything, your kind would've killed the child--"

"Like I told you," Rey's expression softened as she threw the severed hand over her shoulder and looked up at him. "I don't kill innocents, only the people who want to die...and those who have ill intent on others. I suppose I forgot to mention the latter."

All he could was stare at her in that moment, and he saw past the blood. He saw past the gore, the death, the darkness, and he saw _light_. Rey was blinding amongst her kind, a vampire who still acted out with human tendencies, and he suddenly realized that she wasn't baleful. 

She had never been baleful, she had never been evil, or demonic, or twisted. She had only been trying to help but she just had the worst possible way of showing it. A vampire pretending to be human, what a bittersweet tragedy of poetic irony.

"You...are tragic," Ben whispered and Rey furrowed her brows in confusion. "You're the most tragic individual I've ever met."

"...What are you trying to say, I don't understand--"

"You're tragic because you're a kind person," Ben cradled her face in his hands and her eyes slowly widened. "But you can't feel... _anything_. You choose to do the right thing because you know it's right, not because you feel like you have to. You felt nothing for that little girl, absolutely nothing, and yet, you still saved her." Ben searched her face for a moment before leaning in and kissing her softly, Rey instantly kissing him back as her eyes fluttered closed.

He could taste the blood on her lips and furrowed his brows at the metallic flavoring, Ben thinking to himself that it was like the world's worst lip gloss, and he had to pull back after a second and hurriedly wipe his mouth with the back of his hand. Rey blinked before laughing loudly and throwing her head back.

"Oh--oh, oh, Ben, I'm sorry! Aw, love, I'm sorry!" She laughed harder as she doubled over and Ben only scowled down at her. "It's just y-you're so funny! 'The world's worst lip gloss'!" 

"You can't even feel humor, quit your shit--"

"You're right," Her laughter ceased instantly as she sat back up and looked at him with that eerie emotionless expression. "But it is humorous, and so I laughed. I am acting like how I should, am I not?"

"...This is why you terrify me," He abruptly stood up and Rey's face fell. "You can't feel anything, just like I said, and you know what? Maybe you aren't kind, maybe you're just doing what would please me--"

"No," She reached up and grabbed his hand with her own bloodied one. "No, I didn't save her to please you. I saved her because she reminded me of me."

That made Ben completely freeze up, his eyes wide as he stared down at her. 

"I too was once just a scared little girl waiting for her mum to come back, I waited every day at the orphanage door. Now I know that my parents were dead, but as a child...death isn't very comprehensible, if you get what I mean." She looked up at him with a certain sadness he knew well. She may not be able to feel that sadness, but, oh, how he knew it. How he knew it well, how vividly acquainted he was with it.

"Every day, I'd wait. I'd wait, and I'd think 'she's going to be here any moment, and father will be waiting outside'...but it never happened. It never happened, I never got adopted, and I was sent to a mental asylum because I was experiencing anxiety." She looked back down as her hand slowly let go of his. "The thirties were a different time, they didn't understand mental illness like they do now. I was called...'hysterical'."

Slipping, she was slipping. Ben assumed that she had been slipping for years, she had just been unable to feel it. So, this is why she wanted his pain. She needed it because she had so much, and she just...couldn't feel it. At all.

"So, yeah, I saved her. I saved her from being sold for drugs, Ben, and not because I wanted to please you. I did it because no one deserves to be treated in such a way, _especially_ by the person who is supposed to love you the most; your own mother." She stood up and started heading towards the door, her face blank once more.

"Rey--Rey, wait, please--" He chased after her and grabbed her hand, Rey turning her head to look at him. 

"I'm sorry," He swallowed and Rey's lips parted as her eyes softened. "I'm sorry, I--I wish you'd tell me everything. I wish you'd open up your part of the bond, I wish you'd let me see whatever the hell happened to you that made you the way you are now, because--because, goddammit, Rey, I care about you!" He spat and it was like a light went off in Rey's head.

He cared about her, he did realize that now. He cared because he saw his own pain hidden within her, and a pair of tragic lovers they were; one doomed to feel all and the other cursed to feel nothing at all. A fucking rip off Shakespeare play, this was.

"You--oh, Ben," She began to purr as she grabbed his hand and suddenly they were in his room, Ben coughing slightly as he placed his hand on his chest.

"Oh--oh, Christ, I'm sorry, sometimes shortness of breath happens when I speed!" She gasped loudly and he gave her a 'you think?' expression before coughing again. 

"Give me a fuckin' warning next time--"

"Oh, baby, I'm sorry!" She cooed as she stood up on her tip toes and held his face in his hands before ripping back and sucking in her breath with a guilty expression. "Ooh, whoops...I just got blood all over--"

"...On that note, I'm showering." He deadpanned before walking towards the bathroom and he paused as the door seemingly opened in front of him. He heard the shower running and he stepped in to see Rey already undressing.

 _...It looks like you're coming out of a black cocoon._ He smirked as he leaned against the doorway and Rey looked over her shoulder at him with a smile.

 _Would that make me your butterfly, then? What color would I be?_ She smiled wider and he paused before inhaling slowly.

"Blue," His tone was soft and Rey's smile slowly faded as a look of awe entered her eyes. "You're a blue morpho through and through."

"...Yeah," She whispered before looking back forward, pulling off her black turtleneck and tossing it on the floor before unzipping her black skinny jeans. "Yeah, I love that. That's more than an acceptable answer, Ben. I'd love to be your blue butterfly."

\---------------------------------------------------------

The shower had been oddly domestic. She hadn't tried to do anything sexual, she just...wanted to be held. She wanted to feel him, to have his hands on her, and she hadn't breathed out a single word.

They were in bed now, both of them facing each other on their sides. Her hazel eyes were boring into his, her cold hand on his cheek as they bathed in the comforting silence of just each other. 

_I'm sorry_ , he sighed quietly and Rey slowly smiled. _I'm sorry for even assuming you saved her to please me._

"It's not your fault," She whispered and he closed his eyes as she ran a hand through his damp hair. "Like you said, I don't feel emotions."

"I'm starting to think--" He inhaled sharply as he reopened his eyes. "I'm starting to think that you slowly are, Rey."

She hesitated for a moment before leaning in and kissing him, her brows furrowed with her eyes squeezed shut. She was trembling, a small exhale escaping her lips onto his, and he instantly kissed back with the same desperation. 

And so the one who's doomed to feel all must teach the one cursed to feel nothing _everything_.

A rip off of a Shakespeare play indeed.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would just like to say that geese are incredibly aggressive.
> 
> Warning for mention of past drug use and alcoholism.

Watching Ben sleep was the epitome of peace.

Each rise and fall of his chest, each shallow breath, each small sigh as he shifted his body ever so slightly every thirty minutes or so.

And all Rey wanted to do was watch.

She had been to so many art galleries in her elongated time, seen so many works of art, and yet none of them could ever compare to the being that is Ben Solo.

She slowly reached her hand out and ghosted her fingertips across his cheek, her eyes unblinking as she traced his jawline with the utmost of care.

_"Like you said, I don't feel emotions."_

_"I'm starting to think that you slowly are, Rey."_

How could a two sentence conversation make her feel so whole? How could he, in general, make her feel like she was finally something, not just this unwavering phantom who brings death to each and everyone she meets? 

How could he make death, all she's ever been for a century, feel...alive?

"You're freezing," Ben muttered sleepily as he cracked one eye open, Rey finally blinking as she took her hand back. "Is that why you constantly wear gloves?"

"I wear gloves to protect me from the sun," Rey sighed with a smile as she moved closer to him, throwing a leg over his hip as she pressed her body against his. "But, sure. I also wear gloves so if someone accidentally touches my hand, they don't think I'm the Grim Reaper in human form."

"You dress like the Grim Reaper." Ben snorted softly before sliding his hand up her thigh. Oh, how she never knew she craved the warmth of the touch of a hand until she met him. "With all that black you wear, I wouldn't be surprised if people thought you were in a cult."

"I haven't been a cult, I think they're far too messy." Rey smiled as she pushed his hair back before letting her hand rest on his cheek. "And the cult leaders normally only want money, power, sex, or all three. It's human toxicity at its finest."

"Really? I would've thought that you, of all people, would have been in a cult." Ben cracked a smile, and Rey wanted to keep that smile forever. That smile could melt glaciers, could put a thunderstorm to a halting stop, and could replace the sun if need be.

"No," Rey whispered as she moved her face closer to his. "No, I was never in a cult, Ben."

Ben stared at her for a moment before taking her hand off of his cheek and lacing their fingers together. 

In his mind, it was a gesture of affection.

In hers, it was a sign of an eternal promise.

"I see your clothes on the floor instead of in the bathroom...did you go out while I was asleep?" Ben nodded towards her clothes on the floor, and Rey bit her lower lip as she stared into his eyes.

"...Don't be mad at me," Rey whispered, which, in turn, only set off alarms in Ben's head. "I originally just went out to go clean up the bodies, yeah? Leave no evidence? But, then I saw a cars dealership--"

"You didn't." _Oh, fuck._

"I, um--happy...early birthday?" Rey smiled sheepishly as she moved away from him to grab a set of car keys off of the bedside table. "It's, uh...oh, God, I forgot the model name. I believe that the brand is 'Aston Martin' though?"

 _Oh, fuck. Oh,_ fuck. _Oh, God, no._ "Rey," Ben cleared his throat loudly as he sat up. "Please tell me you bought it with actual money. Please tell me you didn't steal a sports car."

Rey stayed silent and Ben cursed loudly under his breath as he held his head in his hands, internally screaming at what she had done. 

"You _stole_ \--"

"No, no, hey!" Rey sat up quickly and Ben glared over at her. "I did not _steal_ it! I just merely... _convinced_ the car salesman to give it to me."

"For free?" 

"...For free." Rey shifted with a guilty expression, folding her hands in her lap as she looked down and away. "But I got you a car, yeah? To make up for...you know--"

"You ripping my car door off and leaving it in the middle of the street to be towed away and never seen again?" Ben snapped as he narrowed his eyes, Rey's eyes flicking over to him as she silently nodded.

"I forged the registration so if you ever get pulled over, the cops won't think it's stolen. It's okay--"

"But it's not okay. None of this is okay--"

"Can you please just take the car, Ben?!" Rey snapped even more viciously than he had, Ben flinching as she thrusted the keys at him. "Please?! Can you just say 'thank you, Rey, for doing as you said you would'?!" 

"...Fine," Ben snatched the keys from her with the agression of a riled up goose before tossing them on the floor just as aggressively. "Fine, I'll take the car. But don't do this shit ever again, Rey, I'm serious."

"I wasn't going to." Rey muttered as she got out of bed, grabbing her clothes and beginning to get dressed.

"Hey, hang on," Ben sighed and Rey looked up at him. "Just because I'm upset doesn't mean you have to leave--"

"No, I need to go." Rey blinked before returning back to getting dressed, Ben opening his mouth to speak but slowly closing it as a look of confusion came over his face. "Finn has been texting me all afternoon and evening, and given that it's nine at night now, I need to go back. My birthday is in three hours--"

"Oh, shit..." Ben breathed out as his eyes widened slightly. "I...completely forgot that your birthday was Saturday."

"I honestly don't blame you, we've had a lot of things happen since I told you. It would've slipped my mind as well." Rey chuckled as she pulled on her jeans. "You're more than welcome to stop by, if you want. Finn and I are just going to have a Twilight marathon. I just love awful vampire movies, you know? Humans are just so... _creative_. Finn says the last one isn't that bad, though. The second part of the final one, that is." 

"You have to go...right this moment?" Ben asked and Rey smirked as she zipped up and buttoned her jeans before pulling on her shoes.

"Why, Ben? Are you slowly growing used to my freezing cold skin at your side in your bed?" Rey teased which instantly made Ben scowl. "Are you warming up to the idea of an ice box being your cuddle buddy?"

"...No comment." Ben murmured before laying back down and throwing an arm over his eyes, not exactly wanting to have to deal with his feelings for her at that moment.

Yes, he had admitted he cared about her, but it was all just happening so fast for him. So many things had happened in the last few days, and just the very thought of everything made his head spin. 

"Hey," Ben uncovered his eyes as he felt her weight on top of him, her eyes staring into his as she looked down at him. 

How could an angel of death be so beautiful? How could Death herself look down at him with a softness only life could give?

"I know it's a lot to take in, Ben. Believe me, I know." Rey sighed softly as she brushed a strand of his hair out of his face. "If you want...I could leave you alone for a few days. Just let you process everything."

"You would...let me do that?" Well, Ben had never been more surprised in his life. Wasn't she the one who was practically obsessed with him? Christ, she only broke into his house a multitude of times.

"Um," Rey looked pained. That's all he could describe it as; 'pained'. "If you need to...yes. Yes, I would understand if you need time alone to process everything. But don't go out at night, okay? And if you do, just--just steal some holy water from a church and put it in a spray bottle or something, okay? Do that for me? If you go out at night?"

"...Or you could just come out with me at night," Ben whispered, and he didn't even know where it came from. Here she was, giving him a bit of freedom, and he was slam dunking it into the trashcan just so she wouldn't have to disappear from his life for a few days. "If you want."

Rey jerked her back slightly with a bewildered expression, and Ben felt exactly the same internally. "...You don't--you _don't_ want a few days to your--"

"You said days, not nights," Technically, he was correct. "We could still see each other at night, yeah? I just--I've kinda...grown...attached to you...?"

Rey looked as if he had just told her the best news of her life as she breathed out a single laugh, grabbing his face as she kissed him with what he could only describe as pure joy.

He let himself melt into the kiss, wrapping his arms around her as he hummed quietly while he closed his eyes. She pulled back after a moment, and he surprised himself yet again as he found that he didn't want the kiss to end that quickly.

"Come to my place around eleven," Rey exhaled before biting her lower lip with a smile.

"Eleven?" Ben blinked as he tried to tame the breathless feeling she had ignited within his chest. "Your place?"

"Mhm," Rey leaned down with a grin. "That's what I said."

"Yeah," Ben nodded as he inhaled sharply. "Yeah, yeah, I can do that. I remember your address. I can, uh, swing by your place. At eleven."

"Great!" Rey chirped before getting off of him, picking up her hat off the floor and putting it on. "I will happily see you at eleven, Ben."

"Yeah, I'll--" But she was gone before he could even finish his sentence. He paused before barking out a laugh, slapping his palm against his forehead as he smiled up at the ceiling. "I'll see you at eleven, Rey."

\------------------------------------------------------------

Rey paused in front of her door with her keys in her hand, staring down at them with a blank expression before the corners of her mouth twitched up into a smile.

She was more than happy that Ben didn't want to spend time away from her. Well, as happy as an emotionless being could be.

But he was teaching her to feel again, wasn't he? And she was feeling echoes of emotions, and she was more than positive that she was experiencing intense affection for him. Love, the dictionary had called it. Rey was in love with Ben, and she longed for him to return it.

Of course, she knew humans took time to fall in love. Unlike romantic comedies, people simply did not just fall in love in a period of days--well, normal people. Rey wasn't normal, and she wasn't exactly a person either.

But, people did not simply just fall in love in a period of days. So, Rey would wait. She was exceptionally good at waiting, she had had a century to practice.

The door opening broke her from her thought induced trance, her eyes darting up as she saw Finn standing in the doorway. 

"...You're okay?" Finn asked quietly and Rey nodded as she mimicked a smile that she had so very well learned over the years.

"Of course I'm okay!" Rey chirped as she walked in, taking off her hat and throwing it across the room before twirling around and laughing. 

This is how people in love acted. And, strangely enough, it didn't feel forced for her.

"Oh, wow, you're...chipper," Finn blinked before closing the door, Rey grinning at him before tearing her gloves off and collapsing on the couch. "How was Ben?"

"Oh, he's wonderful," Rey purred out as she relaxed into the couch, brushing her fingertips against the fabric of the top edge of it. "He's coming over around eleven. Don't worry, we will be staying out here and not doing nefarious, adult things within the walls of my bedroom."

"I honestly hate the way you word things." Finn sighed as he walked over, resting his arms on the top edge of the couch as he looked down at her. "Honestly, you could've just said, ' _we won't be fucking_ ', and it would've saved you a whole lot of time and words."

"Yeah?" Rey smiled up at him and he smiled back.

"Yeah, Rey. And it would've gotten the same message across."

"I'll keep that in mind, then. For the future." Rey winked before snuggling herself even further down into the couch, closing her eyes as she began to purr softly.

"So...you told me you bonded?" Finn's tone grew quiet and Rey's eyes immediately snapped open as her purring had come to a halt.

She had told Finn that when she had returned home after Ben telling her that God wasn't real, and she in return telling him that she was real and that she'd actually listen to his prayers. 

It was a heat of the moment sort of thing, but she hadn't been lying to Ben when she had told him that. She'd answer every single one of his prayers, and try to her very best to fulfill each and every one. 

So was the way of being bonded in her point of view.

"Um...yes--"

"And you know how bonding is extremely rare in your kind? You know, because of the whole emotionless thing?" Finn arched a brow and Rey made a small whining noise as she sank down into the couch.

"Just because it's rare doesn't mean that my kind, you know, still doesn't do it--"

"They do it to keep a leash on a human that has quality blood for them! It's a whole thing of ownership, even if it is a sign of being a 'lover'--"

"It's nothing like that and you know that!" Rey snapped as she bolted up, Finn flinching ever so slightly but not showing a lick of fear. "I did it because he was hurting, and because I actually care about him! I would never force him to do anything he didn't want to, I would never put a permanent mark of sorts on him that show's that he's--that he's--" She couldn't even bring herself to say it.

"...But, by you doing that, Rey...you do realize that he now even has a bigger target on his back? That Snoke will want him dead even more?" Finn was one hundred percent correct, but it still stung in some way to hear him he say it. 

She supposed it stung because by doing this one act of love, she had put Ben in even more, _much_ more, danger.

"I...he was hurting, Finn, he--he asked for it," Rey hugged her knees to her chest as she looked away from him, a bitter sensation blooming in her chest as she spoke. She would look up what this sensation could possibly be later in her dictionary. "And so I gave it to him. I--I _wanted_ to give it to him. I wanted to be connected, I wanted to be tied together by the eternal strings of fate, and so...I did. I gave it to him."

"And you're willing to protect his life much more than your own from Snoke? You're willing to lay down your life--"

"I would die for him one thousand times and a thousand times more," Rey whipped her head back towards him. "Just to see him alive and breathing."

"...Well, shit," Finn breathed out with visible shock in his eyes. "Dare I say it, Rey, but I think you're actually feeling affection. Not pretend affection, but... _actual_ affection. You're feeling a human emotion."

"Is it supposed to hurt?" Rey gave him a tired smile and Finn paused before sighing and walking around the couch to sit beside her. 

"Is what supposed to hurt, Rey?"

"Here," Rey placed her palm over her chest where her heartbeat would be. "Is it supposed to hurt here?"

"Oh...oh, Rey," Finn spoke softly as his expression instantly softened while she lowered her hand. "You're feeling love, too...?"

"Is love supposed to hurt?" Rey asked as she glanced down with a tired smile once more. "It doesn't look like it hurts in the movies. They're always smiling, and laughing, and showing genuine emotions of joy. Sure, there's always that one part where they momentarily break up because the other one did something stupid, but then they get back together after some grand scene where they are, once again, happy. So...why does it hurt?"

"How many times do I have to tell you that movies aren't real life?" Finn frowned and Rey looked back up at him with almost mournful eyes. "Real love is...painful, yeah. Love takes time and practice, it's not just some whirlwind of neverending happiness. There's fighting, and disagreements, and pain, but the happiness is there, too. It's just...a lot of work, you know?"

"Work," Rey repeated as she slowly nodded. "Real love takes time, and practice, and work."

"Exactly." Finn smiled before patting her knee and standing up. "Now, are you ready for this mess of a marathon?"

\------------------------------------------------------------

She had felt him before he even walked up the stairs. Ben cursed loudly as she seemingly appeared out of nowhere, Rey squealing excitedly as she jumped onto him and clung to him like an overexcited koala bear.

"Jesus," Ben gasped as he caught her, trying not to lose his balance as he did so. "Jesus, Rey, I don't think anyone has ever been this excited to see me."

"Well, fooey for them," Rey purred loudly as she nuzzled his cheek affectionately. "Because I just think you're neat!"

"...Did you steal that saying from the fifties? Why don't you call me 'swell' while you're at it?" Ben sighed as he stood still with her in his arms, her purring growing even louder as she rested her head against his shoulder. 

"Mmn, you know how much I love your sarcasm--"

"You're the only one." Ben smirked as he cut her off, Rey pecking his lips before hopping down and thrusting her hand at him.

"Finn went to the store to get more snacks for himself, but he'll be back in, like, twenty minutes or something." Rey hummed as she led him up the stairs, Ben silently nodding as he let her do so. 

"Can, I, um--"

"Smoke?" Rey looked over her shoulder at him before smiling and looking back forward. "What's got you so stressed, Ben? I know you only smoke when you're stressed. Remember, you literally have no secrets from me."

"If I have no secrets hidden from you, then how can you not tell me what's stressing me out?"

"I want to hear it from your mouth." Rey sighed as she reached the top step, letting go of his hand and walking to the balcony railing. 

He quietly joined her, grabbing the carton of cigarettes from his jacket pocket and tapping the top of the box against his palm before opening it. "I'm stressed about Snoke, Rey."

"...I know," Rey whispered as she stared out at the quiet neighborhood. "I know you are, and, once again, I'm sorry. I know it's a lot."

"No, really?" Ben muttered as he put a cigarette to his lips, grabbing his zippo lighter from his other pocket and lighting said cigarette.

"And I told you that you could take a few days away from me--"

"And I told you 'no' in my own unique way." Ben exhaled as he took the cigarette from his lips, letting the smoke twirl and dissipate into the cold winds of the night. 

"And I'm glad you did." Rey looked over at him before taking the cigarette and taking a long drag, Ben arching his brow as she did so.

"You can smoke?"

"It doesn't do anything for me, if that's why you're asking." Rey exhaled as she lowered it. "The nicotine does absolutely nothing to me, and it is strange to feel it entering my no longer working lungs, but I have a cigarette from time to time."

"But what's the point?" Ben scoffed with a smile and Rey simply only shrugged. "Just for the hell of it, I'm assuming?"

"Yeah," Rey laughed quietly as she looked down. "Yeah, just for the hell of it. Maybe I do it to see if I can feel any type of pain in my lungs."

"You may not be able to feel emotional pain, but you sure can feel physical pain, huh?" Ben chuckled only for Rey to pause.

"Pain can be many things," Rey sighed as she took a drag of the cigarette, draping one arm over the railing of the metal balcony as she did so. "The whispering of a monster, in my ears, in your ears...in everyone's ears." She paused for a moment before laughing bitterly and Ben glanced over at her. 

"Demonic, satanic, cultist whisperings...and our pleas are hidden, suffocated, practically nonexistent. We plea for God, for repentance, for divine forgiveness," She looked over at him while taking another drag, a smirk playing on her lips as she did so. "But gates do not open once rusted shut, Ben."

"What gates?" He asked quietly and Rey handed him the cigarette, Ben taking it from her and taking a long drag without their gaze breaking. 

"The gates to Heaven," She smiled before looking out over the neighborhood once more. "Or Hell. Take your pick, we're all stuck in limbo on this godforsaken planet in some form or another."

"...What an odd thing to stem from a conversation about just smoking for the hell of it." Ben stated before taking another drag of the cigarette before flicking it over the balcony. "That was almost morbidly poetic."

"Was it?" Rey bit back a smile as she continued to look forward. "I'm told I word things rather strangely."

"So do most poets."

"You're not wrong, are you?" Rey did smile then, draping her other arm over the railing as she stared up at the moon.

"Hey, Ben,"

"Yeah?"

"What did it feel like...when your dad died?"

Ben tensed up before inhaling deeply and pressing his lips together tightly. He was certainly not expecting her to ask that. 

But he'd tell her anyways, because what was the point of avoiding it if she could see into his very being?

"I felt like I was lost," Ben spoke softly as he hung his head and closed his eyes. "I felt like nothing made sense anymore, like I was...falling into this black abyss of sheer nothingness. It felt lonely, and cold, and just--and just _dark_ , you know?"

He inhaled sharply before opening his eyes and lifting his head back up. "It's why I turned to drugs and alcohol. I just wanted to feel again, I wanted to get out of the abyss. I wanted to breathe, to live, and to just...just exist again like I did before he died. When he died, it felt like I died, too, and I just...shut down. I closed myself off from everyone, and because of that, I don't exactly have a great relationship with my mother anymore."

"I'm so sorry..." Rey looked over at him and Ben scoffed with a smile as he shook his head.

"When you lose someone, it feels as if a part of you gets lost, too. All you can think about is them, and the memories you had, and that's all that plays in your head for months. It's this ghost of a film that you can never shut off. No matter how hard you try, you can't stop the mental projector that's playing the movie of the memories of them."

"It sounds like there's no way to stop the heartbreak of losing someone. It sounds like there's no possible way to even avoid it, how do you--how do you even cope with that, Ben?"

"You just _cry_!" Ben laughed as tears pricked his eyes and Rey gently grabbed his hand. "You cry, Rey. You cry." He laughed again before hanging his head and squeezing his eyes shut as he let out a small, choked sound. "Y-you cry."

And yet again, he was showing vulnerability to her. Yet this vulnerability was so much more than the time he had begged her to help him. He was showing her his emotions, showing her how much pain he was actually in, and she was holding his hand in response.

"I bet crying is very relieving." Rey smiled and Ben choked out a laugh before letting his head fall back as he smiled up at the roof. 

"You have no _fucking_ idea, Rey." Ben let his head fall back down before looking over at her, Rey reaching up and touching his cheek while she still held his hand.

Ben stared at her before cupping her cheek with his other hand and leaning down to kiss her.

She tasted of cigarette smoke, of broken dreams, and of the one thing he had craved for the last five years; hope.

And their hands never separated for a single moment of it.


End file.
